Silencer

Haven't slept at night for a long while. Usually I fall asleep after midnight nowadays and been stealing some rest time in class. I need to stop doing that, it's unhealthy. Today was Junior Exchange banquet and it was memorable. Not because I got a cord, not because I got food, it was memorable because I got to sit on top of the world with my best friend and breathe. We didn't even have to talk or anything, we just sat there listening to her phone play song after song and sang when we knew the lyrics, looked blankly out towards the horizon when we didn't. I stared towards the horizon, basked in the morning sun, and my breath escaped. I've been higher and seen more places, but at this point in my life, it was enough to make me feel moved. The feeling was as wonderful as I could describe. The feeling of not having to think as I stared out into the open space; the feeling that no one needs you at the very moment and you have a few sacred seconds to revel in emptiness.

The horizon looked so close when I stared out. It made me wonder if we live in such a small world after all. Then, I look at all the houses that are between me and the horizon and realize how far away we are. How far away I'll be and the enormity of the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. But I felt nothing at that very moment, still reveling in the welcomed silence of the world and the silence in my head. And then her phone rang and we had to scurry back to the banquet area where everyone clapped like polite machines for people who got certificates and cords. I yearn for that silence again, the chance to give into idleness and not think for awhile.

Painting today took almost forever to do as I had to duplicate the same shade of blue over and over again while I had to make sure that the greens were not the same over and over again. It seems I am not cut out for painting. That I will not accept and if I ever have the chance to paint something else, would gladly take up the offer until I finally get it right. And mark my word, I will get it right one day.

I look forward to the beach trip tomorrow. I want to see everyone having fun. There's been so much this and so much that lately that I feel like a trip away from everything seems appropriate. I await it with bated breath. It seems like a good day to smile and laugh genuinely. I need to remember to remind them to bring my camera. I want to save this memory forever and a day more. I want to remember what happened, and even if it doesn't turn out exactly the way I see it in my head, I won't let anything ruin the day. My mind needs a rest.

The silence tempts me.