Weird Dreams...

So I dreamt that I was back at the Devonshire house in L.A. (but we were still in San Jose) and I was living with my father. We unpacked and everything was fine. Then out of nowhere I get a phone call from him. He sounded really angry and he said that he was going to kill me. I didn't take it seriously at first but then I saw him in the laundry room with a rifle. Then I got scared so I ran outside to run out the gate and he was shooting at me. I got out the gate and then started running down the street. Luckily David somehow miraculously showed up and parked his car on the sidewalk. I got in and saw that there were John and Howard. My dad was still shooting so David drove off. I was calling people at this point to see if I could stay at their house. We went to Jennifer's house and I knocked on her door but she wasn't home. We went to a desolated area and sat down. I started to cry because the shock of the whole thing suddenly got to me. We were running out of gas and I was paranoid that my father was chasing me. I called Jennifer again and she picked up this time. We went to her house and she gladly accepted us. We started to prepare for dinner by setting out white place mats and orange juice. After that, I woke up.

Now you might be wondering why I'm blogging here and not on my tumblr. Well, I decide to blog about deeper issues and stuff here and more lighter, shallow stuff on my tumblr. This dream really affected me as I woke up at 6 in the morning and tears were streaming down my face. Now I want to find out what it means.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. you may feel victimized in some situation.

To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. If you are running from an attacker or danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

To see friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself.

To dream that you are a guest at a dinner party signifies enjoyable pleasures with close friends.

To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations.

Wows. This is very accurate as yesterday night I was feeling very pissed off at my brother and my mother was defending him. Then I was on the verge of cracking but then I did not crack. I guess dreaming about this was my subconscious trying to let out my negative energy.

Once Again

Well I was a bit shaken yesterday, so many things happened and I guess that combined with unseen forces, caused me to be quite emotional. Sorry to those of you who had to put up with my mood yesterday, usually I am not that pessimistic. Today, once again, I am piecing back myself together. That said, once again, I am at my optimal hoping point. Once again setting myself up for the fall. I say, once again, bring it, because no matter how much I feel like I'm losing air, losing time, losing my way, there's always someone there for me, waiting to give me oxygen, give me a bit of their time, give me directions to the main road. Though I don't always listen to what they're saying as I don't want to give this thing up, I appreciate everything that anyone has ever done for me, be it listen to me talk about my day, or tell me that tomorrow is even brighter. Once again, I thank you all, for making sure I don't break to pieces.

Broken

I'm done.

---

"Someone" (11:50:24 PM): listen to ur head yes cuz ur heart is in chaos right now. its a big flood and all the little heart ppl are like help help

11:11

The time is 11:11. Before Cotillion practice. I am wondering if I should make a wish. I wish but it turned to 11:12. Does this mean my wish is invalid? If you wish for something, do you have to do it in 60 seconds or else it doesn't work? I've been wondering that for awhile. Well I guess if you want to wish, you should already have something in mind. I don't know what to wish for anymore. If I constantly keep wishing for different things every time it turns 11:11, does that mean that none of them come true? Should I just concentrate on one wish so whatever celestial being or strange magical mechanism that grants these wishes will be able to get to me sooner? Is there even a waiting list? Who knows. Just thoughts.

The Joy of Hitting a Ball

Back and forth. Back and forth. I want to escape these feelings. Back and forth, back and forth, again and again. It seems as though I can continue to run as long as I point my feet in the right direction, it seems as though I can continue to laugh as long as they play with me, it seems as though I can continue to stay this way, unthinking, for a little while, as long as I can continue to play.

Back and forth again. Back and forth. It pulls me back and forth, from the left corner of the court back to the right, back to the left again. Up to the net, down to baseline, back up to net only to find that the ball has stopped in motion, now on the ground. My emotions tug at me the same way: back and forth, doubt and certainty, happiness and sadness, melancholy, bittersweet, hurt. Can't think like that in this game. Must set up ball, position your opponent, put away the point. Love is different. Can't push anyone where they want them to go. But you have to think about your next move still. How are you going to make that person see you? What would happen if you said this at this moment? Now isn't the time to make this move.

Back and forth. Always back and forth. The rhythm echoes like the rhythm of my heartbeat. Must stay on rhythm in order to hit the ball correctly. My heartbeat is off rhythm whenever he's around. I hold my breath so I don't have to hear it pounding inside my chest.

Looking away is easy until I catch a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. Then it becomes too hard to look back away.

Zoology

o7.o3.o9: obtained.

I went to the zoo today with my brother, mother and her friend (who brought along her son, daughters, and her friend's daughter). It was nice to be able to get out and just run loose in the zoo, snapping pictures of animals, watching them, awe filled in wonderment. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself though, let's go back to when I fell asleep and then woke up - It was a nice dream. Another wishful one that I only wish was real. Of course, I realized I was dreaming as it seemed too perfect too be true, and it was. Still, it was a nice dream. It transitioned and then I was...living in a crooked two story (or more, I couldn't tell) tower with my cousins. I had this weird car thingy, like it was a cross from a motorcycle and one of those go cart things, and we went to get ingredients to make something. It was like...magical sorta. It took us forever to get out of the house, and then we took the thing down several flights of stairs and I remember being afraid that it was going to hurt my pelvis or something. The supermarket there had a lot of interesting things...very magical things. Some that could explode if not treated with cautious. That was a nice dream too, but of course, not as nice as my other one. Alright, so I woke, kinda feeling down, but I got ready and we headed out. Then after I saw the animals...I just forgot. It was nice to just forget everything, even for an hour or two. At the end, I finished what I wanted to do and we went back in the car, next stop: Stonestown Galleria. This side trip before we went home made me...melancholy. As everywhere I turned, I kept seeing couples! Everywhere. What is this? National Bring-Your-Boyfriend-Slash-Girlfriend-To-The-Mall Day? Well, luckily I got some ice cream from this one store and it drove away my discomfort. Ice cream is my hero. After getting knocked out in the car, we arrived home, and now...I think, I shall lock myself away from communications for another day.

Building the Foundation...

I feel at a lost for words. Has it always been this way? Why should I start every sentence with hope and end it with discouragement? Why should the silence scream at me the truth that I should have already known? So why should I be sad again at these thoughts? I know it already, I chose my path, I should know already. Ugh, I hate these conflicting moments that tear at the very foundation of the thing that I wanted to build on. Is it wrong...? To want to tear down a house and build something else on that very land? What if it was a unique house? Where if I don't like what I build, then there's no going back exactly. The kitchen won't have the same number of tiles, the roof the same number of shingles. But then, what if I liked what I built? Should I risk the house for a new one? A bigger one? Or should I just be content that I have a house to begin with? Then again, I think...I've already destroyed it. That day, when my emotions ran high and I couldn't take it anymore, I sold all the furniture of the house, and now all that's left is the empty shell of what once was, or what I thought was once was. Maybe I thought this house was a home when it was just a house.

I don't know. I'm confused. One moment I can feel at my best, the next, plunged into this sadness that shrouds me in doubt. There's no doubt that I'm going to continue on this path, putting one step ahead of another, but sometimes I want to just stand here, in the middle of nowhere, because I'm scared of knowing what awaits me at the end of the road. What if I walk a thousand miles just to be told to turn around? But then...I start walking again because I still have hope that there could be something else waiting for me there. Still a fool. But I walk on, because no matter how lost the situation seems, I can't assume unless he says it right to my face. Until then, there's that glimmer of hope, and that pulls me through abysmal times and keeps my head high as I continue to walk this path.

Can I even take it if he says it to my face? How would that bode with me? I'm sure that no matter how strong I convince myself, I'll probably be torn to pieces on the inside. Still, that alone would give me reason to point my toes in another direction, sorta. It takes awhile. Well I might still have a little glimmer of hope since the future isn't set in stone, but still, at least I would know that my efforts are sorta futile and maybe there would be someone out there for me that could make me feel something like I'm feeling now. I don't want someone else right now though. Sure, maybe there's more compatible people, someone that makes me laugh more, etc. But then, I'm very set in stone about my feelings. It lasts...a long time. I know I'm young, and I might be foolish and rash and rushing, but I'm not one to take things lightly. The weight of the three words that I dropped on my poor house, could it really take the toll? I can't repair it exactly right, and it's still pretty unstable, unfurnished, uninhabited. I want to build a new house. And whatever house I get in the process, I'm going to put my assets in making it a home.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. No more worrying about nothing, because I'm going to laugh at this stupid post five months from now.

Snow in July

Here I'm still standing, watching the waves crash on the shores, only, in this world, my ocean is inside: my heart, the strange force that pushes blood out and pulls it back in with every beat, sometimes regular beats, most of the time irregular. I haven't been outside in three days, trying, hard, to distract myself. It seems that I no longer wake up with the same thoughts in my head, as I've been sleeping later instead of waking up earlier. 5 a.m., 3 a.m., 1 a.m., the nights pass by so fast these days. Trapped in the spell of the night, trapped in thoughts that used to wake me up. I thought I stopped feeling so down, as there are plenty of things to occupy my mind right now: taking notes, finding what I want to be for the rest of my life, role-playing, taking care of Andrew, etc. Of course, I haven't though.

& So I wonder, why am I consistently getting myself hurt? Why can't I just stay away and hope that these feelings will eventually subside enough for me to get on with my life? I'm going away soon anyways, if anything happens, then it would be that much harder to leave. But then again, why can't I be rational like that? Of course I don't want to hurt anyone either, or have someone tormented on my behalf, but I feel selfish, as though, no matter how bad timing I have now, I'm not letting this go for anything. This one sided love is very important to me.

And so, I wait still, a stupid idiot looking up and hoping that snow will fall in July.

---

I'd like to think that I'm not a terrible person. Really, I guess I have some qualities that are admirable. But I can't help but think about my vices every now and then. My unyielding stubbornness, my short-sightedness when I latch myself onto something, my selfishness when I want something. That's not it though. There's worse, but those are the things that relate so far. I guess. Well I should probably list my good things now right? Some people said I was strong, how on Earth, I don't know, but I guess so, I guess I'm kind enough, I can listen too. There, three for three. No more, no less.