Snow in July

Here I'm still standing, watching the waves crash on the shores, only, in this world, my ocean is inside: my heart, the strange force that pushes blood out and pulls it back in with every beat, sometimes regular beats, most of the time irregular. I haven't been outside in three days, trying, hard, to distract myself. It seems that I no longer wake up with the same thoughts in my head, as I've been sleeping later instead of waking up earlier. 5 a.m., 3 a.m., 1 a.m., the nights pass by so fast these days. Trapped in the spell of the night, trapped in thoughts that used to wake me up. I thought I stopped feeling so down, as there are plenty of things to occupy my mind right now: taking notes, finding what I want to be for the rest of my life, role-playing, taking care of Andrew, etc. Of course, I haven't though.

& So I wonder, why am I consistently getting myself hurt? Why can't I just stay away and hope that these feelings will eventually subside enough for me to get on with my life? I'm going away soon anyways, if anything happens, then it would be that much harder to leave. But then again, why can't I be rational like that? Of course I don't want to hurt anyone either, or have someone tormented on my behalf, but I feel selfish, as though, no matter how bad timing I have now, I'm not letting this go for anything. This one sided love is very important to me.

And so, I wait still, a stupid idiot looking up and hoping that snow will fall in July.

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I'd like to think that I'm not a terrible person. Really, I guess I have some qualities that are admirable. But I can't help but think about my vices every now and then. My unyielding stubbornness, my short-sightedness when I latch myself onto something, my selfishness when I want something. That's not it though. There's worse, but those are the things that relate so far. I guess. Well I should probably list my good things now right? Some people said I was strong, how on Earth, I don't know, but I guess so, I guess I'm kind enough, I can listen too. There, three for three. No more, no less.