Building the Foundation...

I feel at a lost for words. Has it always been this way? Why should I start every sentence with hope and end it with discouragement? Why should the silence scream at me the truth that I should have already known? So why should I be sad again at these thoughts? I know it already, I chose my path, I should know already. Ugh, I hate these conflicting moments that tear at the very foundation of the thing that I wanted to build on. Is it wrong...? To want to tear down a house and build something else on that very land? What if it was a unique house? Where if I don't like what I build, then there's no going back exactly. The kitchen won't have the same number of tiles, the roof the same number of shingles. But then, what if I liked what I built? Should I risk the house for a new one? A bigger one? Or should I just be content that I have a house to begin with? Then again, I think...I've already destroyed it. That day, when my emotions ran high and I couldn't take it anymore, I sold all the furniture of the house, and now all that's left is the empty shell of what once was, or what I thought was once was. Maybe I thought this house was a home when it was just a house.

I don't know. I'm confused. One moment I can feel at my best, the next, plunged into this sadness that shrouds me in doubt. There's no doubt that I'm going to continue on this path, putting one step ahead of another, but sometimes I want to just stand here, in the middle of nowhere, because I'm scared of knowing what awaits me at the end of the road. What if I walk a thousand miles just to be told to turn around? But then...I start walking again because I still have hope that there could be something else waiting for me there. Still a fool. But I walk on, because no matter how lost the situation seems, I can't assume unless he says it right to my face. Until then, there's that glimmer of hope, and that pulls me through abysmal times and keeps my head high as I continue to walk this path.

Can I even take it if he says it to my face? How would that bode with me? I'm sure that no matter how strong I convince myself, I'll probably be torn to pieces on the inside. Still, that alone would give me reason to point my toes in another direction, sorta. It takes awhile. Well I might still have a little glimmer of hope since the future isn't set in stone, but still, at least I would know that my efforts are sorta futile and maybe there would be someone out there for me that could make me feel something like I'm feeling now. I don't want someone else right now though. Sure, maybe there's more compatible people, someone that makes me laugh more, etc. But then, I'm very set in stone about my feelings. It lasts...a long time. I know I'm young, and I might be foolish and rash and rushing, but I'm not one to take things lightly. The weight of the three words that I dropped on my poor house, could it really take the toll? I can't repair it exactly right, and it's still pretty unstable, unfurnished, uninhabited. I want to build a new house. And whatever house I get in the process, I'm going to put my assets in making it a home.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. No more worrying about nothing, because I'm going to laugh at this stupid post five months from now.