Weird Dreams...

So I dreamt that I was back at the Devonshire house in L.A. (but we were still in San Jose) and I was living with my father. We unpacked and everything was fine. Then out of nowhere I get a phone call from him. He sounded really angry and he said that he was going to kill me. I didn't take it seriously at first but then I saw him in the laundry room with a rifle. Then I got scared so I ran outside to run out the gate and he was shooting at me. I got out the gate and then started running down the street. Luckily David somehow miraculously showed up and parked his car on the sidewalk. I got in and saw that there were John and Howard. My dad was still shooting so David drove off. I was calling people at this point to see if I could stay at their house. We went to Jennifer's house and I knocked on her door but she wasn't home. We went to a desolated area and sat down. I started to cry because the shock of the whole thing suddenly got to me. We were running out of gas and I was paranoid that my father was chasing me. I called Jennifer again and she picked up this time. We went to her house and she gladly accepted us. We started to prepare for dinner by setting out white place mats and orange juice. After that, I woke up.

Now you might be wondering why I'm blogging here and not on my tumblr. Well, I decide to blog about deeper issues and stuff here and more lighter, shallow stuff on my tumblr. This dream really affected me as I woke up at 6 in the morning and tears were streaming down my face. Now I want to find out what it means.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. you may feel victimized in some situation.

To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. If you are running from an attacker or danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

To see friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself.

To dream that you are a guest at a dinner party signifies enjoyable pleasures with close friends.

To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations.

Wows. This is very accurate as yesterday night I was feeling very pissed off at my brother and my mother was defending him. Then I was on the verge of cracking but then I did not crack. I guess dreaming about this was my subconscious trying to let out my negative energy.

Once Again

Well I was a bit shaken yesterday, so many things happened and I guess that combined with unseen forces, caused me to be quite emotional. Sorry to those of you who had to put up with my mood yesterday, usually I am not that pessimistic. Today, once again, I am piecing back myself together. That said, once again, I am at my optimal hoping point. Once again setting myself up for the fall. I say, once again, bring it, because no matter how much I feel like I'm losing air, losing time, losing my way, there's always someone there for me, waiting to give me oxygen, give me a bit of their time, give me directions to the main road. Though I don't always listen to what they're saying as I don't want to give this thing up, I appreciate everything that anyone has ever done for me, be it listen to me talk about my day, or tell me that tomorrow is even brighter. Once again, I thank you all, for making sure I don't break to pieces.

Broken

I'm done.

---

"Someone" (11:50:24 PM): listen to ur head yes cuz ur heart is in chaos right now. its a big flood and all the little heart ppl are like help help

11:11

The time is 11:11. Before Cotillion practice. I am wondering if I should make a wish. I wish but it turned to 11:12. Does this mean my wish is invalid? If you wish for something, do you have to do it in 60 seconds or else it doesn't work? I've been wondering that for awhile. Well I guess if you want to wish, you should already have something in mind. I don't know what to wish for anymore. If I constantly keep wishing for different things every time it turns 11:11, does that mean that none of them come true? Should I just concentrate on one wish so whatever celestial being or strange magical mechanism that grants these wishes will be able to get to me sooner? Is there even a waiting list? Who knows. Just thoughts.

The Joy of Hitting a Ball

Back and forth. Back and forth. I want to escape these feelings. Back and forth, back and forth, again and again. It seems as though I can continue to run as long as I point my feet in the right direction, it seems as though I can continue to laugh as long as they play with me, it seems as though I can continue to stay this way, unthinking, for a little while, as long as I can continue to play.

Back and forth again. Back and forth. It pulls me back and forth, from the left corner of the court back to the right, back to the left again. Up to the net, down to baseline, back up to net only to find that the ball has stopped in motion, now on the ground. My emotions tug at me the same way: back and forth, doubt and certainty, happiness and sadness, melancholy, bittersweet, hurt. Can't think like that in this game. Must set up ball, position your opponent, put away the point. Love is different. Can't push anyone where they want them to go. But you have to think about your next move still. How are you going to make that person see you? What would happen if you said this at this moment? Now isn't the time to make this move.

Back and forth. Always back and forth. The rhythm echoes like the rhythm of my heartbeat. Must stay on rhythm in order to hit the ball correctly. My heartbeat is off rhythm whenever he's around. I hold my breath so I don't have to hear it pounding inside my chest.

Looking away is easy until I catch a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. Then it becomes too hard to look back away.

Zoology

o7.o3.o9: obtained.

I went to the zoo today with my brother, mother and her friend (who brought along her son, daughters, and her friend's daughter). It was nice to be able to get out and just run loose in the zoo, snapping pictures of animals, watching them, awe filled in wonderment. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself though, let's go back to when I fell asleep and then woke up - It was a nice dream. Another wishful one that I only wish was real. Of course, I realized I was dreaming as it seemed too perfect too be true, and it was. Still, it was a nice dream. It transitioned and then I was...living in a crooked two story (or more, I couldn't tell) tower with my cousins. I had this weird car thingy, like it was a cross from a motorcycle and one of those go cart things, and we went to get ingredients to make something. It was like...magical sorta. It took us forever to get out of the house, and then we took the thing down several flights of stairs and I remember being afraid that it was going to hurt my pelvis or something. The supermarket there had a lot of interesting things...very magical things. Some that could explode if not treated with cautious. That was a nice dream too, but of course, not as nice as my other one. Alright, so I woke, kinda feeling down, but I got ready and we headed out. Then after I saw the animals...I just forgot. It was nice to just forget everything, even for an hour or two. At the end, I finished what I wanted to do and we went back in the car, next stop: Stonestown Galleria. This side trip before we went home made me...melancholy. As everywhere I turned, I kept seeing couples! Everywhere. What is this? National Bring-Your-Boyfriend-Slash-Girlfriend-To-The-Mall Day? Well, luckily I got some ice cream from this one store and it drove away my discomfort. Ice cream is my hero. After getting knocked out in the car, we arrived home, and now...I think, I shall lock myself away from communications for another day.

Building the Foundation...

I feel at a lost for words. Has it always been this way? Why should I start every sentence with hope and end it with discouragement? Why should the silence scream at me the truth that I should have already known? So why should I be sad again at these thoughts? I know it already, I chose my path, I should know already. Ugh, I hate these conflicting moments that tear at the very foundation of the thing that I wanted to build on. Is it wrong...? To want to tear down a house and build something else on that very land? What if it was a unique house? Where if I don't like what I build, then there's no going back exactly. The kitchen won't have the same number of tiles, the roof the same number of shingles. But then, what if I liked what I built? Should I risk the house for a new one? A bigger one? Or should I just be content that I have a house to begin with? Then again, I think...I've already destroyed it. That day, when my emotions ran high and I couldn't take it anymore, I sold all the furniture of the house, and now all that's left is the empty shell of what once was, or what I thought was once was. Maybe I thought this house was a home when it was just a house.

I don't know. I'm confused. One moment I can feel at my best, the next, plunged into this sadness that shrouds me in doubt. There's no doubt that I'm going to continue on this path, putting one step ahead of another, but sometimes I want to just stand here, in the middle of nowhere, because I'm scared of knowing what awaits me at the end of the road. What if I walk a thousand miles just to be told to turn around? But then...I start walking again because I still have hope that there could be something else waiting for me there. Still a fool. But I walk on, because no matter how lost the situation seems, I can't assume unless he says it right to my face. Until then, there's that glimmer of hope, and that pulls me through abysmal times and keeps my head high as I continue to walk this path.

Can I even take it if he says it to my face? How would that bode with me? I'm sure that no matter how strong I convince myself, I'll probably be torn to pieces on the inside. Still, that alone would give me reason to point my toes in another direction, sorta. It takes awhile. Well I might still have a little glimmer of hope since the future isn't set in stone, but still, at least I would know that my efforts are sorta futile and maybe there would be someone out there for me that could make me feel something like I'm feeling now. I don't want someone else right now though. Sure, maybe there's more compatible people, someone that makes me laugh more, etc. But then, I'm very set in stone about my feelings. It lasts...a long time. I know I'm young, and I might be foolish and rash and rushing, but I'm not one to take things lightly. The weight of the three words that I dropped on my poor house, could it really take the toll? I can't repair it exactly right, and it's still pretty unstable, unfurnished, uninhabited. I want to build a new house. And whatever house I get in the process, I'm going to put my assets in making it a home.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. No more worrying about nothing, because I'm going to laugh at this stupid post five months from now.

Snow in July

Here I'm still standing, watching the waves crash on the shores, only, in this world, my ocean is inside: my heart, the strange force that pushes blood out and pulls it back in with every beat, sometimes regular beats, most of the time irregular. I haven't been outside in three days, trying, hard, to distract myself. It seems that I no longer wake up with the same thoughts in my head, as I've been sleeping later instead of waking up earlier. 5 a.m., 3 a.m., 1 a.m., the nights pass by so fast these days. Trapped in the spell of the night, trapped in thoughts that used to wake me up. I thought I stopped feeling so down, as there are plenty of things to occupy my mind right now: taking notes, finding what I want to be for the rest of my life, role-playing, taking care of Andrew, etc. Of course, I haven't though.

& So I wonder, why am I consistently getting myself hurt? Why can't I just stay away and hope that these feelings will eventually subside enough for me to get on with my life? I'm going away soon anyways, if anything happens, then it would be that much harder to leave. But then again, why can't I be rational like that? Of course I don't want to hurt anyone either, or have someone tormented on my behalf, but I feel selfish, as though, no matter how bad timing I have now, I'm not letting this go for anything. This one sided love is very important to me.

And so, I wait still, a stupid idiot looking up and hoping that snow will fall in July.

---

I'd like to think that I'm not a terrible person. Really, I guess I have some qualities that are admirable. But I can't help but think about my vices every now and then. My unyielding stubbornness, my short-sightedness when I latch myself onto something, my selfishness when I want something. That's not it though. There's worse, but those are the things that relate so far. I guess. Well I should probably list my good things now right? Some people said I was strong, how on Earth, I don't know, but I guess so, I guess I'm kind enough, I can listen too. There, three for three. No more, no less.

Waves Crashing on the Shore

Yesterday went to Sunset beach. Woke up early, played punch buggy the whole way there with friends. It's always fun to see them frantically searching. Got there and wows, I was caught back like I always am at the beach. It's always so beautiful, cold or hot. I actually liked the weather there because it wasn't blindingly sunny as it was in San Jose. Volleyball set up, played, got to know people more. The food was good, I liked it! Met more people. Went to go to the ocean, put my feet in, it was cold like that time I went to Carmel, but it was fine. I didn't want to get wet because I didn't want to walk around cold trying to find the showers. Besides, a friend was cold from that and I lent my towel, therefore I would have none if I went in. Still, the ocean was beautiful. There were multiple waves crashing on the shore and the sand on the beach wasn't as debris covered as it was at Carmel. I think I like Sunset Beach a lot better, not that there was anything wrong with Carmel because I like it too, but it was just I really liked the feel of the sand at Sunset. After I got home I still could feel the soft sand under my feet. Well, then we ate some more, and the hole that the EVHS kids dug was filled up with people. It was good bonding time, even if it turned frantic to pull them out after awhile since they were stuck. Helped sculpt a little bit. It was fun. Took pictures, sad that I didn't get to take that many pictures of the day, but then again, I was out there too, enjoying it all. Even when I was too tired to do anything and just sitting there in the sand watching the waves was fun. My friend thinks that I didn't like being alone and felt bad that no one was with me, but I actually felt really nice throughout the whole day. Sitting down watching the magnificent waves and enjoying the feel of the sand, I don't always have to be moving to have fun. Well anyways after that, played a bit of guitar, I still suck. Ate for the last time, and then off we went towards home. I was stark tired at this time so I slept, embarrassingly with my mouth agape as we rolled on home. It wasn't the best nap since I kept waking up to adjust myself (being the one in the middle sitting on the two seat belts) but it was still needed. Went to friend's house afterward and watched people play Street fighter before going home myself. Found that I was sun burnt badly after getting out of the shower and wondering why everywhere hurts. Ha! That's what I get for only having SPF 30 at home. Well, I don't worry too much about it since today it doesn't seem as bad as it was yesterday. Maybe I won't start peeling at all!

Standing Outside the Circle

So I had a talk yesterday, because I was curious. I seem a bit invasive. Intrusive. Interfering. Still, I guess with coaxing and encouragement, I found that I really wanted to ask anyways. Of course, nothing was answered, but then again, something was answered. If that makes any sense at all. Today, I go off to the beach, off to a smashing time with my favorite part of the world. How I long for the sweet smell of the ocean and the texture of warm sand between my toes, eager to bury themselves in the tiny specks. How I want the wind to tease at my hair and kiss my face with its coolness while the sun shines proudly over the scene. It seems that I too need some escape time. I wonder if I will revert back inwards today or will I be brave enough to be social. I'll probably be brave enough after I warm up. Maybe someone who shares my love of the ocean will come forth and we can revel at the splendor that is around us, become good friends due to this bond, and continue to talk long after we leave the beach behind. Well, I feel very hopeful today. Yet again, that word, hope. I'm going to go through all my blogs and outline it in red or something. That way I can count how many times it comes up in my thoughts.

---

Well, done going through my blogs and there have been a big difference in the number of times I've used hope. Less so before a certain date, and more so after it. Seems just right, justifies that something has made me incredibly hopeful. It seems weird going through my old blogs as well, I mean, it seems as though everything happened so long ago, but then I look back and notice that it has only been a few weeks. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. Curious. Maybe I am moving too fast for my own good. Time to slow down, take it easy, and enjoy the day. Because that is what I should do.

Skating on Thin Ice

He smiles. Because I smile first to show him that I like walking next to him.
He stares off into the distance as I try and catch his eyes.
It feels strange to spend most of my day with him yet still be at a distance: a meter stick away.
My day started when my good friend picked us up and off to the park we went. There, we met up with another good friend and went around the historical museum until he had to go home. We were left alone. So I decided to go to the ice rink. We went, and I laughed because he has that effect on me. And we reached the place and sat down, watching the skaters. Soon Annie came and her brother. We went back to Kelley Park as the rink didn't open until 1 and I would be long gone by then. He kept at a distance, and I figured he didn't want to be next to me. Of course, I couldn't stand being so far away. Still, he ran off, and I gave chase. Caught, watched as he walked away, went my own path to sit in the shade with Annie, he came back soon enough. Went to Cotillion practice. Went waltzing with partner, shook my hips as I rested my hands on my head with Jennifer as my partner, attracted Carla in the process, and laughed because I wanted to have fun. Walked afterwards to Stonegate. It was a rather silent walk as my shoes were starting to pinch me and my mother's unfair rule that I should always wear high heels in her presence. Saw roadkill, jumped, startled, right into his arms. Let go just as quick for fear that he may recoil back from my touch and reprimand my boldness with a look. Walked more, split ways soon enough. He looked at me, and I didn't want to hug him because I was sweaty and because I'm sure he would not have wanted to anyways. Spend most of my day with him, and still no where close. Then went to Navreesha's party, ate, sat, talked, looked away. It's only been two weeks since graduation? So much have happened in these three weeks actually. So much have happened and it makes me wonder, by the time I reach the end of my stay here, what would happen by then? I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for tomorrow as well. What would happen tomorrow? Nothing of course. But then again, I still want answers to my questions. I still am waiting, for him, to look me in the eyes, and tell me that there's no hope at all, or that, maybe, just maybe, there could be something there. Until then, I'll keep my heart on my sleeve, easily broken, twice as easily shattered. I'm afraid, but...I'm not afraid to love. I'm not afraid to risk hurting because I feel as though, this could be something.

Singing My Lovely Songs.

I woke up to happy thoughts and I was ready to start the day with my mother. We went to the flea market and I tried my best to stay out of her way as she went grocery shopping with her friend. It was rather boring, so I listened to my music and of course, she could find fault in that as well. As I was following her friend, she called out, and for once, not loudly. I didn't hear. She therefore took it as though I was ignoring her and went off on her own, tugging the full cart of groceries with her. I ran up to help her, but of course, my mother is stubborn and tugged it away from me, saying she could pull it herself. Lately she's been on my case. I mean, I really wonder when I'm going to be able to visit her, sit down and have a pleasant conversation where we don't end up at each other's throats. I wonder when I'll be good enough for her. She makes me believe that I'll never be good enough. For anything, for anyone. I'll always be too slow, too quiet, too nice, too trusting, too everything. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't be assertive. But, I'm doing the best I could. Once day, I hope, she'll look at me and be proud. Sure, I'm not good enough now, but maybe one day in the future, she'll see that I turned out alright. Her insults drive me to do better though they hurt. But what can I do but sit there and keep my mouth shut. One wrong word can spark a feud. One small gesture can make the lecturing and yelling drag on into the night where I certainly, with shaking fingers and held back tears, would not find solace in sleep as I would be filled with rage and sadness. But she's still my mother. After we were done with the flea market, she made me a smoothie to show that she cared. I took it as a sign of truce. Then we went to eat and when we got home at one, I fell into a spell and didn't wake until six something. I feel rather pleasant now, as I had a rather good dream. Not really a unique dream as I just replayed my past. Only it was different in a bit, in a way I can't really put my finger on. I guess that now, as I have kept my promise and not touched ice cream in three days, I can finally reward myself and eat some mochi.

Ice cream, I love thee so
Even more in summer, as you are cold.
Twice when I am sad over something, someone
You always put my depression on the run.
I'm sure one day I'll get diabetes.
But these days, you mean a lot to me~

(I don't really want to get diabetes in the future. But I thought a poem for ice cream sounds good right now.)

Getting On My Tippy Toes

It makes me sad sometimes. To think about it. Is it really so hard? I want an answer, any answer would be better than be trapped here as a thirsty stranded person chasing after a mirage of an oasis. Tell me to my face, look in my eyes, that there is no hope at all. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Then I can really get on the path to self-healing. As of now, I have not gotten a yes or a no. Still stuck in that tunnel, looking for the light, not knowing if I'm going backwards, upside down, or forward. I hope. I wished, but I've stopped wishing. Now is not the time to clasp my hands together and wish for a tomorrow with you. If I was still wishing, I would be wishing to know right now.

Do you feel anything? Anything at all? Do you even care? I'm hurt and I want to know. If nothing had ever happened, maybe I wouldn't be in such a dejected state of mind. Maybe I wouldn't have to hope because the fire hadn't been lit yet. You say, I can tell you anything, but I can't tell you everything. What are the consequences of telling you my feelings now? Would you look away? You tell me that you would answer me another day, another time, another place but this one. I can wait, of course I can, but with every day that passes, there's just stored up emotions from the day before.

I type, I delete, I change the topic. Every single time.

4 in the Morning

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in, it's all over me.

Well, I didn't get some rest until four in the morning when I felt the pang of sleep take me at last. I was up talking to friends, and thinking thoughts that I only think at night. Well, let's see:

1. North Korea is planning to attack us? Oh god. Great. I hope it's nothing, but still, I'm not really sure how to take it. War has never been close to home before. I don't think I would survive it. The very notion of hiding from nuclear weapons would make me dream about the worst case scenario. They should just stand down and take those peace talks. In this turbid times, a war on our nation is going to take its toll.
   
2. I wonder what was the matter with him last night. I shouldn't be one to pry into his business, as he would tell me if he wanted to. Therefore, I do not pry. I did think about it though.
3. Financial aid is still not posted for me yet. This concerns me.

Three thoughts that should mean nothing to me. Still, I think my carefree days are long gone. I'm not a kid anymore, why should I fear war. Maybe I worry too much over him to suffocate. I should stop. Last, my financial aid will come, sooner or later, or else I will have to choose a different school. That's really the only thing I have to worry about right now. The only think I should worry about right now.

Lately I've been trying to be distant. As in, I don't talk much to him, I don't start conversations, I do my own thing. Why? I don't really know. I guess I don't want to fall deeper. If I don't talk to him much, if I don't pay attention to every detail, then I won't have to think all the time. Still, it's hard to stay at a certain distance because my heart doesn't want to. My head wants me to, but of course, when my head and heart struggle, my heart always win. I guess, staying away is not an option.

My Stars are Dim (Addition)

Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. No matter how you type it, no matter how you say it, I can't simply hear just friend. There is a deeper meaning to the word. I have recently been sad when I hear the word, but now see that I have been silly. I should be honored at the title as friends have such a large role in one's life. People that pick you up when you are down, lost, insecure, hurt, sad, angry, depressed, etc. People that help you shine without envy. Those people that are you able to trust with your utmost secret and hope that they too, like any crush or love you may have, do not break your heart by taking advantage of your lowered guard for their own gain. My friends are people that I can count on, people I can turn to when I feel like the whole world is crashing down, and even if they don't know what they can do, could still stand by me and offer their ears, their mind, their time. For this, I am grateful to no end. As friendship is a very important part of my life.

But.
Sometimes, there are things which I prefer to keep to myself. Old habits die hard. These thoughts of mine that I would rather write out then tell my friends about, are usually things that I find too frivolous to disturb them with. I can't always go to my friends for every single trip, ever fall, I have. This would make me a dependent soul, and I do not want to make a habit out of it. What if, they get annoyed that I am plagued by so many problems? What if, they replace the image of me smiling with this new image of a girl who complains all the time? I do not want that. Still, there are days when a smile can't fix how I feel or hide the pain that I've been holding. These days, I welcome sadness, so that the next day, I could perhaps once more be myself again. But then I would dislike how I handled that day. What's the use in feeling angry, in feeling sad, when there are so many other emotions I could be feeling right now as summer progresses. I could feel love, I could maybe feel loved, I could feel happiness on my cheeks like the warm rays of the sun, I could feel surprised. There are so many days left, so many emotions to go through, so why should I focus on two?

This thing may go nowhere, or it could go everywhere. There's no use feeling sad towards it now when anything can happen at anytime. I just need some patience, some time, and some magical stardust. Then everything will fall into place soon enough and come September, the risks I take may result me in such a sad departure for SB, or a much needed departure for SB. I hope that there is sadness when I leave, as that would be a time for sadness. But then, I too hope that I will smile when I leave as I will not say good bye. Good byes mean forever, and I am certainly not leaving forever. There will always be a time when I shall return to my friends, look in their eyes and see myself smiling, and know that this is where I belong. Just thoughts for a morning such as this, as I often wake up thinking. I do it so often now, I hardly write down the thoughts I have of him anymore, as, it would be the same story, and I do not like repeating myself save occasions when I feel that a repeat would enhance whatever I need enhancing. Still, just because I don't write, doesn't mean that I don't think. I think far more often then I should these days, and therefore, I have decided to immerse myself in books. Today I start with an introduction to psychology. I am expecting to take notes I could save for later.

---

So today I went to see The Proposal with my dear friend. It was something that was much needed in my life right now, just to get away and not think about anything but the bare facts that we were walking and that we were enjoying the day. The sun beat down on my shoulders and my head but I felt only the cool comfort of knowing that we were heading to our destination with every step I took. We stopped by Barnes & Nobles in order to kill time and found horoscope books that were pretty accurate. I don't believe in horoscopes one hundred percent of the time, but it was interesting to learn what may come. Hopefully the horoscopes do not come true this time, but we shall see how it fans out. The description of my birthday and the traits that I supposedly have because I was born on that day seem accurate enough. This makes me wonder if humans only have 365 variations of personalities. Probably not so, but still, curious thought. Then we watched the movie and it was rather interesting. I especially liked how Ramon was everywhere. The ending interview was funny too. I liked it, and am rather glad I decided to see the reviews before seeing the movie, as I am not sure it would have been worth my friend's money if we saw Year One. Which leads me to thank him for putting out his own money, and he should know that I will awesomely put out my own money in the near future when he needs assistance too. His presence made me happy, as I am a soul that does not like to be alone despite the fact that I may yell out, hint, or say that I want to be left alone. And not a single thought crossed my mind except, "my gosh, I need to find some way to repay him" and also "what should I get people for their upcoming birthdays?". Well then we walked home and the walk home seemed so much longer than the walk there, as the sun was probably at its highest point around this time and was beating down on our backs even more so. It's nice to just walk and talk sometimes, getting so much closer to that one person. I wish that I could have one on one time with all my friends, but of course, I take what I can get. Wishing too much these days is quite dangerous to me. Now home, I will start reading, as I have not had time to get any psychology notes jotted down today.

Just a Thought

I should put those glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. That way I have something to look at when I'm staring up at the ceiling at night.

Why can't I just go to sleep for once, with no thought in my head to make it even more difficult to just shut down my system and enjoy the dark embrace of the night? Why can't I just wake up because I finally got my full eight or nine hours of sleep instead of transitioning from dream mode to thought mode and finally getting waken up with the very thought that I had fallen asleep to? Today I woke up and was terribly sad. The weather outside my window is sunny, which contrasts my current state of mind.

Why am I sad? There's nothing to be sad about today. Today is a new day; another chance, another spark of hope that could bring me that much closer, yet I am sad today. I still wonder...

I Want To - Single

I Want To
There's so many words I can never say
And so many things I can never do.
But no matter what life throws at me
I know I'll always find my way
Back to you.

I want to be your last thought
I want to feel you in my arms
I want to hold your hand when we walk
Side by side.
You and I
Singing this love song.

You may never know what you mean to me.
The guiding star in my sky
You're the air I breathe.
I can always count on you being near
You help me open my eyes
Now I see

I want to be your last thought
I want to feel you in my arms
I want to hold your hand when we walk
Side by side.
You and I
Singing this love song.

And these days without you seem so lonely
I can't figure out where I'm going
But I know that somewhere down the road
You'll be there.
And I want to

I want to be your last thought
I want to feel you in my arms
I want to hold your hand when we walk
Side by side.
You and I
Singing this love song.

I was inspired to write that song after my friend sent me Here's The Plan - Allison Weiss when I was standing outside waiting to be picked up to go to cotillion practice. Whatever I remembered while standing there, I wrote down and voila, a song is made. Seeing how I do not have an awesome singing voice, I requested the aid of my friend Jennifer to help me give the song justice. The melody is mine, but she has the guitar so of course she played it. I think it turned out beautifully; the lyrics are from my heart, she gives the song life. I think I should collaborate with Jennifer more.

Bejeweled Blitz

I was playing Bejeweled Blitz when I suddenly realized that it shared some aspects that are similar to life. Such as:

• Sometimes, even when you have a perfect board, one wrong move can change all that.
• Taking a chance and randomly clicking may result in a chain combo that raises your score.
• Storing up all your arsenal until the end, only to have the time deplete to zero before you can use them is wasteful.
• Using all your arsenal at once is also not recommended.
  
• The most obvious move is not always the way you want to go.
• There will be regrets when you have a choice on where to move your piece and wonder what your score would be like if you moved it the other way.
• The unexpected happen: even if you think you're not going to beat your score, play until the end, who knows, you might cause a chain combo at the very last minute.
• One combo may result in an explosion of the whole board.
• Even if think you have no more moves left, there is always a move somewhere out there.
• Sometimes you have bad days where you can't get a decent score, and there are other days when your score is just way up there.
  

Well, if I find some more aspects that relate while I play, I shall revise this post.

Maybe I Could Wake Up Beside You

I really like this song, thanks for sending it to me! It has pancakes in it too! What more could you want in a song?

Dreams Only Last For a Night

Yet again, another dream that I would prefer not to have. I woke up in the middle of the night after having it and just stared up at the ceiling. Wondering if it could happen. I doubt it, but still, it made me not want to go back to sleep for fear that I may have the dream again. There's nothing like seeing it in instant replay. Well, after calming down, I fell back asleep and woke up at ten something when I stopped dreaming and started into think mode. It made me smile and encouraged me to get up out of my bed and start the day. Everything aches today. No pain no gain right? I'm sure that this would make me stronger than I was yesterday.

Yesterday before I fell asleep, I was thinking about something. But now I forgot about it. Maybe I should have just recorded it down before I fell asleep. Whatever it was, I'm sure it would come back into my thoughts if it was important enough. Oh! I remember.

I am inside a circle. There is an invisible line between the outside world and me. Sometimes, I widen my circle to allow someone in. Sometimes, I pull it towards me because I do not want to get hurt. It is an elastic circle. It never breaks. These days, it is very wide, but I am afraid still. Afraid to get hurt if I extend it too wide, as like a rubber band, it will snap back at me in whiplash. I have already gotten hurt, by someone that I once knew, but I healed from that quite quickly. Still, it has made me cautious and thoughtful. My circle now does not look like a circle anymore, holding some people tighter towards me then others, some more loosely away. Maybe, it will get to that convergence point where everyone inside will be the closest they can be towards me, a perfect circle.

Now that I think back on it. It seems a little loopy for me to think that way. It did sound complex in my head, but now it's so simple, as though I'm still a kid.

Waltzing the Cha Cha Cha

My feet are killing me. Went to the church to practice. It was interesting to cha cha, though I am not sure it is for me, as it requires a lot of thrusting a bottom and hips that I seem to lack. I tried my best though, as I had offered to do it. Richard, my partner, was just as confused as I was. Then the waltz came and CJ didn't have a partner, so I stepped in and therefore learned the waltz as well. I liked it better. Though it was hard to get it the first time, I felt more comfortable waltzing then I did cha cha cha-ing. My feet wasn't hurting yet though, it was when we started walking after practice was over. The guys wanted to go to Kelley Park, and since I did not have a ride, joined them. We stopped by Subway then went to meet up with friends. I contemplated, looking at the turtle sprouting water from it's back into the lake. I saw the fish dart about minding their own business. The ducks gracefully glided along. My mind wandered away, too tired to actually do some deep thinking. Then we began to walk again. The wind blew hard and I was just wearing a tank top. We walked on until one by one, friends started to enter their own homes. Once again, my kind friend drove me home once we got to his house. I wanted food though, so we stopped at Com Tam and I got a to-go box.

I hadn't really talked to him all day, but the little gestures that he does, it makes my whole day feel better. I wonder if he knows what effect he has on me. It's magical, as though I can walk another ten miles on one "hi", one smile, one tap to let me how he's there. It feels as though my feet were rejuvenated. John said that he could run a marathon for it, I can't run a marathon, but I'm sure that I can walk one for it. But, maybe I shall walk that marathon another day as I am quite fatigued at this moment. And now, I am too tired to think and shall rest.

Sleeping Under A Burning Sky (Revised)

I had a weird dream. It occurred before an Apocalypse. I guess the news about North Korea and all got into my subconscious at last and infiltrated my dreams. I really haven't taught of it much before, but then my dream had to come into the picture. They were going to bomb us at a certain hour, and I guess it scared me because I wasn't ready to leave Earth yet. I counted my blessings, I noted what I wanted. Somewhere along the line, I remember me saying "Death takes away everything, memories, love, life." It's an obvious quote, but somehow it had a big impact on me. Very strange dream. After that line, I went into think mode where I was going over what I wanted out of my life. I don't really want fame or a grand fortune. I still crave stability. Moving around as a child, seeing my family issues made me realize that I really just want my life to be stable for once. I'm sure in the future I will curse my craving as it will become routine. Get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, cook dinner, sleep, repeat. For now though, I want a little piece of stability to tap me on the shoulders and tell me that it will be present in my future.

Twirling Around in a Circle

I went ice skating for the first time today, wait, it's 12:16 a.m., I went ice skating for the first time yesterday. The ice rink was something that I was not expecting to find. Not to say that I was disappointed. We paid, then on the ice we went. It was a snowballing effect I think. My feet refused to correctly move where I positioned them in my mind. My skates strained away from my feet in a desperate attempt to escape. However, I slowly moved. Limping along, holding the railing here, letting go of it there, correcting myself once more, arms sprawling out to center myself, feet inching towards the next spot I assigned in my mind. I fell a total of four times. The first, I lost balance and landed on my rear end. The second occurred in the same fashion when I went to tell my mentor that I had fallen the first time. The third was when I tried to copycat a girl holding onto a guy's shirt. Hands reached towards me to help me up. The fourth, the most dreaded, was wet. After the Zamboni made its rounds, the ice was slippery with water, and where else would I fall but in a puddle. And so my feet ached from the skates that refused to stay on my feet. I was determined to learn how to ice skate whether I fell or not. And I think I did alright for the first day. It wasn't magically excellent, but I did not require the assistance of the railing as often as I did when I started, I was -obviously- not afraid to fall on my rear end anymore, and I was having fun at my new experience. I wish I could glide on the ice as gracefully as the figure skaters that we saw, what went through their minds as they skated? Do they even have to think of it anymore after awhile or does it come second nature? I like the ice, as it is a form of water, and being a water sign, I love the water - just not when half of my rear end has landed in a puddle of it, marking evidence that I was clumsy on the ice. From 11 to 3 I skated, then went home. The ride home was much appreciated, I think that if we had taken the bikes to the ice rink, I would have not wanted to bike home.

Today is peaceful, well it just started. Barely a quarter after midnight. I wonder what today will bring. All I have to do is close my eyes and dream for a few hours before the sunlight will beam on my face and awaken me from whatever world I was currently rooted in. However, I do not feel the urge to do that right at this moment, therefore, I shall continue whatever I was doing before I started blogging about ice skating.

Absum

Sometimes I wish I could disappear
To see if anyone would miss me
Would they notice my absence when I'm gone?
Or go on with their lives so easily.

Your Call

Cause every breath you take when you are sitting next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes.

I still wonder in the mornings. What are his reasons? I can't really imagine what awesome reason he has for doing that. I mean, I'm sure he has a reason, but I want to know what it is. Bad reasons? Unlikely that they are good reasons. Maybe I am over thinking. Course I want to know. Pryful? No, just curious. Curiosity killed the cat though. Can satisfaction truly bring me back? I doubt I'd be killed by whatever reason it is. I mean, hope can come from the the deepest abyss.

John asked if I was still holding on while we were walking around so he can be rid of his pains in a sparring match against Hector for his pride. Did I ever let go? I am not one to just give up. I really dislike giving up. Then again, why do I feel resignation? I'm still just going with the flow, breaking the currents here and there, but still trudging along. What are the consequences of fighting the flow? What are the future consequences of following the flow? I can't be a dead fish if I break the current once in awhile right? Just to let him know that I still care. That I'm still here. That I still have these feelings for him. Every little gesture I make means something. Every accidental touch I feel. Every smile that creeps on his face melts my heart. It sounds cheesy huh? Laughable. But to me, it's serious. I don't want to lose him again to anyone, to anything. If I must stay in my role as his best friend, for the sake of not losing him, despite the pain and despite my resistance, I will keep my role for as long as I am able to before I can't stand it anymore. What would happen then? I'm not so sure. Staying so close to him is hard. My heart races, a million thoughts collide in my head, the burning warmth of his shoulder against mine, I hold my breath; not daring to breathe, and a thousand other little things that happen in my living room as we were watching the last Harry Potter movie. But no one notices except me.

I made him cookies. Christina and Kelly took me to FoodMaxx and we got the ingredients. The first batch, Kelly and Christina helped measure out the ingredients as I stirred. The first batch was without the 2 tsp cinnamon. It was nice tasting for a first time. The second time, Christina and Kelly watched television while I had to redo all the steps by myself. Measuring this, making sure that doesn't exceed the amount I want, adding more cinnamon. And then I stirred again. Only, I stirred longer for this batch. Then I put them in the oven and checked on them occasionally to make sure that they didn't burn. Luckily they didn't, as if they had, I would have started the process all over again. I was done, and my left hand hurt. He suggested I put it in hot water, which I did, and though it was hot, it also felt nice. It was a nice gesture, and of course, I noted that in my head. When I gave it to him, he gave me a hug. That seems typical right? Well, he doesn't hug me just because; I have to earn them. So after all that mixing, stirring, measuring, it was worth it to see him smile. There, now he can't say that no one has ever made him cookies. He's not making any of his cookies anymore for anyone though.

I woke up and took a shower, then Gerrie came and we went to get fitted for our dresses. The material was nice. Andrew was a hassle, like always. I can't bring him anywhere without yelling at him. I don't want to take him anywhere for that fact. He always runs around crazily like he has no manners at all. He won't listen to me. How am I suppose to deal with him? What is he going to be like when he grows up? The shoes that the girls wanted was not available in my size, save one pair at Oakridge. I have small feet, and it takes forever to find anything worth wearing. Then we went to get Hawaiian BBQ, and retreated to my house. The last day of the marathon was cut short as we did not have two movies to watch and the guys got bored of brawling. Not that it was any less fun, with all the sparring matches, and the brawling, and people being people. Lot's of things have happened. I was dizzy and fatigued. Ate a couple of raisins, a cookie here and there, coconut juice, anything that was sweet. John thought I looked depressed. Maybe I was. I don't know. I was just tired. After most of the people let, Joey, Hector, and Larry were left and we had a talk. That talk led to my current thoughts and wondering. Then I retreated to my room where Hector and I webcammed, as I wanted to learn Tested and True by Secondhand Serenade. Well, after I learn Your Call of course. The song has been on repeat since last night. Yet I do not know every line yet. That is alright, I'll learn. And so, with these thoughts in my head, I start my Thursday.

Reaching For the Sunlight

I'm wearing that smile you gave me.
It fits me well, unlike those I wore in the past.
I don't have to think about it.
Unexpected, Unexplained,
It just takes over my face and tugs at the corners.
I find it funny how you have that effect on me.

Is this therapy?
Am I getting somewhere now?
I still hurt, but I don't mind the pain anymore.
You make me feel my best and my lowest.
That's expected.
Does it mean anything?

I like to nitpick little things.
Observing everything around me, I do more now.
In the past, never noticing people behind me.
Always looking ahead.
Hardly noticing something on my desk,
But its been there for years.
Now, it's time to slow down, look around.
I want to see everything, everyone.
So I say, I walk today.
As I have observed some things.
And they cause me to walk.


Headaches.
That's what one gets staying up late.
Trying to find the perfect combination,
Cracking a password. Being creative.
Getting supported, offering support.
Wondering.

Songs dance in my head.
Related.
Not related.
They waltz in and tango out.
She suggested I make a song with her.
I'll electric slide away.

Tension

Pauses in conversations.
I have to watch what I say.
There's nothing like this tension
To make it hard to breathe.

I start to type a line.
But then I hesitate.
I start to erase my thoughts.
It would be better this way.

Smiles, small talk
But we both know we're both pretending.
The tension is still there.
This was not my intention.

A few more lines
Always followed by the awkwardness.
Silence filled: that feeling
Of having nothing to say.

"Good night" You type.
I repeat it back, it's only right.
Then our conversation ends.
Until tomorrow, when we begin again.

Looking back

December 23rd, 2006 @ 9:43 PM

But remember, if you cry for someone, they aren't worth it, you need someone who won't make you cry to begin with. But not everyone can be lucky, and the rest of us, well, we still have hope. Even though sometimes that hope is invisible, just remember, hope never dies, it's still there somewhere deep down waiting for a chance to prove itself. That's what I need right now; a chance to prove myself. It doesn't do me any good to hope anymore, but if I get a chance, then for sure, that dreams can come true. But remember, no getting my hopes up high, they'll just be crushed again and again.


I went to my old blog and looked everything up. It's amazing how different I thought of things before. I seemed so shallow back then. Was it just me without all the experiences that I experienced after? It could be. I've kept my same concept of hope though, which brought a smile to my face, even when I say that I won't hope, I won't say it again, I still end up doing because it's just that part of me. Course, I wasn't really good at following my advice of never getting my hopes up high, and I've been crushed a lot since then. Still, why didn't I look back to this post when I needed it? I'm sure it would have given me strength to get through what I needed to get through. Rambling again.

Wizards

So, once again, the guys came over for another Harry Potter marathon smashed in with a couple of games of brawl. We had more food this time, the lasagna took forever to cook but it was alright. We got pizza afterward because watching Harry Potter makes you hungry. Haha. There was ice cream this time too! I really needed the ice cream. I mean, running around cleaning and all made me feel a bit dizzy. But that's to be expected, I do have low blood sugar after all, so the ice cream helped. Still, I wouldn't drink the soda and I don't think I would start again.

Cleaning was rather interesting as well! I've never really cleaned so much, but it was fine because it was for my friends. I mean, all those forks stabbed me a couple of times (I'm rather clumsy) and I had to run to the garbage dump a few times, but it was worth it to see all my friends together and having fun! That was my goal. Mission accomplished hopefully.

Hope! I have to stop saying that word now. Woke up early once again to such a hopeful dream. I don't need that right now. I mean, in said dream, I got a job and also what I wanted. But I must remember that I'm living in the realm of reality and such wishful dreams will only make matters worse. I feel like an addict getting over their addiction. Withdrawal is still painful. No, I shouldn't compare it to that, he's not an addiction, but so much more. My good friend questions how I feel, but sometimes, I question why I feel this way as well. If it hurts, it's real right? I try to act as normal as possible around him, but he should know better to throw a heart gesture at me. I know it's a friendly gesture that he does with everyone, but he knows how I feel. That hurts. Like my friend said, hopefully I would get the answers to all my questions. I might even get to know exactly how deep I feel or how shallow. My god, I hope that I'm not shallow in this thought of him. Then again, it has already reached beyond the epidermis of my skin and sank into my core. If I can hurt this much, this feeling has to be deep.

I need a job to get some cash, get my mind off things, that would be most appreciated. I mean, I don't know how I will get to the work place, I can always walk, but another friend mentioned that walking for an unpaid hour can add up. I wish Uncle Jun was home so there would be two cars and not just one that my mom takes to work everyday. I can't bother anyone with the thought of driving me to work everyday too. I was thinking that if I managed to get a job somewhere, I would take the bus. Course, I'm terribly afraid of it being late, or I being late and missing it, or what not. Also, I have not discussed the issue with my mother. I know she doesn't want me to work, but I seriously need to gain some experience in that field and get out in the world. Then I wouldn't have to be so dependent on her anymore. I need to start spreading my wings out and take the first flap in flight.

Today is John's party so I'll have to get ready for that. He lives near the park that I swing at. I've been going out a lot to swing these days and I'm sure my fingers are all rough now from the dish soap and from the rusty swing handles. Well, I can't pass up this opportunity to go out and have some more fun. I mean, I'm sure my mom won't approve of me going out all the time, but there are worse scenarios and also I really don't want to give up any second with my friends that I can take since it's only a short time left before we say our good byes and depart to our respective colleges. I will miss everyone, but good thing CD is near me. I don't have to feel utterly alone.

Speaking of CD, thank you for being there for me in the sense that you can understand my predicament and give me a sense of calmness. I mean, it's not like the guys don't understand my feelings or anything, and I am filled with gratitude for them, but sometimes, I need a female companion to just be there for me as well. Girls and boys think differently so it's always nice to hear both sides. & Don't worry, I'm 100% straight so don't think otherwise. It's just that I needed a little comic relief, especially being that close to him. So thanks for lending me your sexy legs. Haha.

Perscribo

Man, I need to really stop waking up so early. Well here I am again, despite my attempts at falling asleep at a later time in hopes that I would be too fatigued to wake up at such an early time. No avail I say! No avail. Still thinking the same thoughts, only now, John has given me profound hope and I believe that I have accepted parts of it, so once again, I'll lock my heart away, for another time. I'm just afraid there won't be another time. I'm afraid that I might have used up all my luck, all my opportune moments, and that I will end up always being the best friend who watches as he walks down that aisle with another girl. Well that seems a bit dramatic. I don't mean to go that far, but I'm that kind of person. Still, like I said earlier, John presented me with profound hope, and I'm someone that holds onto hope the same way a barnacle holds on to the pier despite the crashing waves.. Woke up to the song vulnerable playing. "If you can only see in the mirror what I see". I like that line. I love the song, not because of my current situation or whatever, I mean, yea, I feel vulnerable these days too, ughh am I making any sense at all? I'm sure whoever you are, reading this, you're sick and tired of hearing the same topic. Still, this should only be a phase, eventually I'll be able to just look at him and be happy.

I went swinging again, I love the simpleness of just going back and forth. I mean, I still think, but I have no time to be sad. Who can be sad when you're the closest to flying you'll get for free (besides jumping off a cliff or whatever)? I thought about it. I mean, I wondered if I could ever get to John's point and just think and be happy that he's in my thoughts. I've accepted the fact that nothing is going to happen now, and I can't ask for a better best friend, but there's just that part of me that always wants something more. Am I too selfish for wanting more? Must I apologize every time I say something from my heart? I mean every word I say, but I feel as though having these feelings makes things difficult. Sometimes I talk to him and I have to watch what I say now, like I don't want to offend him, or place the burden of my heart on him. I hate going to my friends for support through this too. I know they would willingly lend me a hand, but I'm getting sick of hearing me, I'll bet that they're getting sick of seeing me in this slump. Man, I sound repetitive, I'm sure I said that before. Well, thoughts of the day. Why do I record them? They might mean something to me later down the road, I might laugh at my stupidity, I might cry at the tragedy, I might smile at the dramatic irony because I'll know something I don't know now. Who knows, so I must record, that's why I named this post Prescribo, or to write down.

Early Morning Again

Once again, woke up to my thoughts. Graduation ended yesterday, now what is there to look forward to besides the start of fall semester? I'm kind of worried. I'll only know a few selected people there and what's worse, I'll be leaving everyone. I mean, I told myself that the distance would help me with my feelings and thoughts and maybe I can sort them out easier. My friend thinks differently. She says the feeling will get worse. Great. Well today woke up to my thoughts of why I can't be both. Why can't I? I'm still wondering that. Still, I need to just take a deep breath, breathe, and think of other thoughts. I don't want to spend the rest of my summer like this. I need to get out of this ditch and start walking forward again. I don't know. It's just hard.

Amicitia

I don't know if I have the capability to continue to be friends with my current state of being. It's so difficult to see you and smile at you when inside I'm screaming out. I can't stand to watch from the sidelines. I can't bear to just stay here in this zone where there is no chance. But then again, I can't stand these feelings towards you. Why do I still possess them even though I know nothing will come from it? This stupid feeling, why can't it just leave me alone?

Graduation

Finally we get to walk that stage and smile at the camera with one hand clutched on the fake diploma, the other in the principal's. Those of you that care for me, I thank you for being such a big part of my life. I've been at my lowest point where I thought I couldn't get up again, but you guys came and offered hands towards me, urging me to climb out of the ditch I've dug for myself. I've been at what I thought was my highest point but you guys pushed me higher. If I wasn't wearing mascara and contacts, I would be bawling my eyes out now. So much have happened and you guys are still here for me. Thank you. Thank you. I can't thank you enough.

Abeo.

Just like that,
A gust of air
Disappeared,
And it's not fair.

First thoughts when I wake up. Decided that I needed to get my thoughts out. Especially after seeing this horoscope:
Admit it: You have a tendency to hold things in when you should let 'em out and let the chips fall where they may. Spilling the beans now is endorsed by the stars, and the feeling of relief you'll get is a reward in and of itself. As for what happens afterward, you'll need to relinquish your desire to control that too. Whatever will be, will be, and you'll handle it much more gracefully if you let it be.
Well, I guess I could let things be. Whatever happens will happen right? I don't know. I'm not used to just going with the flow. As they say: "Only dead fish go with the flow" and I believe that.

I asked, and I got my answers. Just, I wish that I wasn't right in my guesses. I'm willing to climb mountains. I'm willing to swim seas. But I can't do it if there's nothing on the other side for me. I'm scared of getting hurt, and you can only get hurt if you give them the ability to hurt you, when you put your heart out there, and like I've said earlier, I've been wearing my heart on my sleeves these days. I guess, it's my fault for why I'm sitting here now at 6 in the morning, unable to sleep because I had to go into think mode.

Speaking of which, been going into it a lot. I think about what happened, and I smile. Now if I think about what happened, it'll only make me sad. Quoting John: "I hate free samples of ice cream". Indeed I do. I was afraid of that too. Everything happens for a reason, so what are the reasons for that? You wanted to know what it would be like, but don't want to take the risk? I hate temptations. My feelings were out there, and I looked into your eyes, and I hoped that you felt what I felt at that moment. But I was hoping too much. If nothing had happened that day or the next, would my hopes be so high? I don't think so. But after the turn of events, it skyrocketed, because I didn't think you would do that just because. And after more turn of events, it's my fault that my hopes became a burning plane being driven by a drunk pilot, spiraling out of control.

Ice cream. You don't have to be my favorite flavor. You don't have to be any flavor. You can be waffles for all I care. Making lists about what they want in a boy, making expectations, for what? I don't consult it anyways. Quoting from you: "The heart wants what it wants." I wrote to you what I see in you, can't you see what you mean to me? Me, spending two days, two nights, to write to you about everything that I've felt. You might think that you're not worth my time, but I beg to differ. Why on earth would I do that now? I could have been studying, or working on my presentations. But I chose to take time out for you, because I think you're worth my time. You can argue with me, but I'm stubborn; you're worth it.

You know, I always have bad timing. Always bad timing. I never can catch anything at the right time. That's okay though, there's a reason I'm patient. Ha, I'm impatient too. I don't want to wait forever because I was ready to give my heart to you. I've been waiting so long to figure out my feelings. I've been wondering for so long why you're always in my thoughts. Why do I always refer back to you? It means something to me. Do you ever think of me? I mean, sure I may be a good friend, someone you can talk to whenever you have problems, I'll listen like I always do. But, I wonder if you ever see me in another light. I guess not.

So where do I go from here? Where is there to go? After last night, I wanted to just go to sleep and not dream, not think. But those thoughts of you always come back to me, and I woke to them yet again at such an early time. What should I do now? Look away and hide my feelings? That I can do quite easily. It just makes my heart sad to know that we were so close, and still so far. I almost thought I was going to be the luckiest girl in the world again. Stupid me huh?

Don't say you're a horrible person. Why do you always do that to yourself? You don't suck, you're not horrible. You're just you, and you told me the truth of the matter. What's the point of raising my hopes anymore right? Better I crash now then get to a higher altitude. The higher up I go, the further I fall. So why is my plane still in the sky? I guess I'm just that way. Pretty persistent. I must be some sick masochist if I keep this up. Then again, love hurts.

I'm lost still. But you can't kill my hopes for something more. Once you give me a free sample of ice cream, I'm going to want the full sundae.

Animi

I wonder what's on your mind.

Unanswered questions I want to ask, but I don't know how to start.

Thoughts race through my head when I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning.

What am I to you?

HP :)

So yesterday was pretty awesome. Let's recap:

Vietnamese heritage thing at Kelley Park was today. Mom made me wake up super early (at 8) so we can go. I thought I wouldn't be able to wake up because I was talking on the phone until 4 in the morning with Jennifer. We were just talking about random stuff, but I really enjoy my time with her since we can talk about anything. I mean, I can't believe that four hours just went by so fast. Well anyways, we went at 8 and the place was still setting up (like I told her it was going to be) so we went driving around. We came back at 10 and walked around. The opening act for the Chinese Dragon Dance was an Aztec Dance. I clapped extra loud because there was sparse applause for them. I mean, their dance looked very mystifying and their headdress and such was very grand; it was made of peasant feathers and one of them (the leader I think?) had eagle feather. Well we left when the mariachi started to play since we had been there for awhile at that point. Did I mention that they fed us hot dogs? Very Vietnamese. Well, they did a pretty good dragon dance and also there was a Cambodian dancer that was doing her hand signs and bending stuff. I thought that was very hypnotic as well. 

Move night at my house. The theme? Harry Potter, the guys and I were planning on watching every one of them before the 6th one comes out. So we got through two movies, one and two obviously. I was so nervous for the peeps to come over, but everything went well. I mean, minus my brother who made it the more difficult to stay at the spot where I was sitting. There was popcorn, and waffles, and french toast, and whatever my mom made us to eat, and soda, and sun chips, and ice cream. The spread was good. The guys had their own spot, hugging pillows and watching the movie. I was pretty comfy on the couch. I wouldn't forget that night for anything. It was awesome having my friends over. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Wo ai ni. :)

So after the guys left, I went straight to bed and found it quite easy to sleep. I woke up with that goofy smile on my face again. Haha. 

Sunset (Revised)

Today was the last day of school. Recapping my last day of high school:

• Espinosa didn't make us say our presentation in spanish!
• I got a copy of syrup!
• Crystal can karate kick?
• APES is over with. I ended it as a lovely flight attendant.
• Mora is over with as well though it wasn't as memorable.
• I returned O'Neil's calculator.
• Foehr's test was pretty easy.

So then after school Annie and I went to the Engineering class' boat race thing and team 3 won. Team 4 had some technical difficulties but that was okay since they still tried really hard to get their boat to work. At the end, it was found that if they went the other way, it woulda worked better. Then we went to APES and Annie braved herself and ate some seafood. My, I will miss her dearly now. I'll keep in touch though so no time for tears. I ended APES on a good note and got my shirt (TABOOMA!). Annie had to leave before the festivities started though so yea...I really wanted her to stay so we can laugh and have a good time. After that, I went to Kelley Park with the guys. It was rather cold so I wasted no time in wearing my APES shirt. I really like it. I really do. Dress shirt on top of that when the weather got even more chilly, we headed towards the friendship garden. My shoes were slowly killing my feet.

My, what a beautiful garden. I haven't been there for awhile and the lack of koi fish made me sad. There wasn't that usual fishy smell either which told me that, indeed, the fishies were really gone. I still loved the water moving. It calmed me and I didn't think of anything at all. I took a small walk to John as well when we went to find David and we talked a bit. John brings me peace of mind at crucial moments when I need it. So I thank him for that. We loafed around the picnic tables for awhile when we found David before going to find our place to watch the sunset. So off we went again, following the railroad tracks, and my shoes were still killing my feet.

I walked with Kelly and David since no one else was waiting for them and Icould keep their pace easier with my current foot condition. It was nice just walking next to them since I don't usually do that. I glimpsed the setting sun at the fence with John. I was frowning since the day was soon ending and John made me smile. He didn't want to see me sad, and I didn't want to be sad on the last day either. So I smiled because I wanted to. When I saw the sunset, behind those trees and those other trees, I was taken aback. I've never really seen a sunset before. Not like just go somewhere to specifically watch a sunset, so I was really absorbing in the moment. The clouds were painted with reds, then blue, then purple lined with a thin layer of pink. It was beautiful. The ending of day, the beginning of night; the ending of high school, the beginning of the rest of our lives. Those four words now have such a big meaning. The rest of our lives. Wows. I wished on the sunset. I didn't wish for anything selfish, just that we could one day go back there together and look at it again. I don't think that's an entirely bad wish. I was wishing, and he called me back to reality. It was time to go and once again, my shoes stated gnawing at my feet.

So then I went into thought again. I wonder where we would be a few years from now. I mean, sure I want to keep in touch with everyone, but how can I make myself be remembered? I mean, I'll bet someone will remember me but the very essence of that memory will be flawed as the mind has to input data into the holes that form over time, making the person that you once knew someone that your mind created. Then when you see them again, they disappoint you since they weren't the same person you perceived in your head. Does that make any sense at all? Something like that though. I don't want my memories to be tainted like that; I just want to remember everyone as they were. He was this, she was that. I want to remember every little thing everyone has ever done to me. Wows, that sounds like brain overload right there. I don't think I could ever do that, but I want to, because everyone is so precious to me. I don't want to forget what they meant to me at this peak. So I'll try my best to remember them as they are, and hold them close to my heart so they will never start to fade. All that thinking made me quite hungry actually. I wish I had brought money, I really don't like borrowing from anyone, especially if they never expect to see their money again. 

We reached the cars and I remembered him fixing the  dress shirt before I went into Ronny's car and sat, squeezed next to Gerrimae and Timothy, off to Whimsical and Subway. I always remember the little things that he does. I wonder if that's a bad thing or a good thing. Does it even mean anything? I was thinking that as I sat squeezed. I forgot to return his dress shirt. Well I've never eaten yogurt at any place, so Whimsical I went and got Kiwi Strawberry. I lacered it with caramel drops and cherries. What a weird combination of delight. After that, we went to Subway and I got chicken noodle soup. I was in the mood for soup not sandwiches. Haha...

Me: Where is Geronny gonna sit?

Hector: Geronny?

Me: Yea, Gerrie and Ronny, I just randomly put their names together.

Hector: Oh! Over there, and if they get married, they should name their kid Moe.

Me/Timothy: What?

Hector: So they can be Geronny Moe!

There was a cop watching us. He ate at subway and I think he saw us fit six to a car. So Ronny only took me home. Gerrie came along for the ride. I really wish that I was friends with Gerrie longer. I don't know. Funny how things work out and then somehow they go around. What comes around goes around yanno? What comes around indeed. Well here I am blogging about my last day and I feel pretty good about it. I loved today. Thanks to everyone who made it special. Thanks to John for making me feel awesome today and watched the sunset with me until the clouds turned purple. Thanks for the dress shirt. Thanks for the meal Hector. Like the chicken noodle soup, you made me feel warm and fuzzy inside too. I am filled with gratitude and love for all of you. :) I'm going to miss you all...

Predictable

There's only three more days of school left and there's so much I want to do yet everyone is running around doing their finals, and I understand because I have to do that too, but I wish there was more time to just hang; summer may provide that escape, but who knows at this point when we will see each other once more. There are some things I want to accomplish before the year is over:

• Get my driver's license. This one is pretty straight forward since it is going to be a necessity that I get a car and learn my way around. I can't imagine not having one with my mom in one place and I in another.
• Say everything that I wanted to say but never did. This too is quite straightforward. I'm such a thought-filled person, and thoughts have been bottled up for four years or more so I really need to get them out in order to really have everything lifted from my shoulders before I go. Well, at least I've already gotten the biggest thought that I've been suppressing and hiding out, if that counts for anything. Saying everything will be hard though, as I fear sharing my thoughts as it gives people more arsenal to hurt me with in the future.
• Tell everyone close to me how much they mean to me in a creative form. This one, I will be quite vague since usually, only those people that care about me would read my blogs anyways. If you are a stranger, sorry to disappoint you, maybe I will post something in a later blog. If you are a friend, you'll just have to see.
• Watch the sunset over the horizon somewhere. I think I should, one day, around this week, go to where I can see the sunset clearly and watch the sun make the last stretch of its day journey. Sunset at this point in my life represents the ending of one chapter and the beginning of another, and thus, I find it only just that I should want to see the chapter close myself. Or maybe I just want to watch the sunset. 

There are probably more things I want to do but I can't really think of anything else at the moment. There's been so much turmoil these past couple of days as well. I wish I had the capacity and the ability to help everyone. I wish I actually could do something else instead of providing a listening ear. But, what could I possibly do?

Patience as been one of my strongest virtues and I wonder if it is forcing me to once again wait. I, being a quick person do not like to slow down for anyone or anything, but when I feel as though I should because the results would benefit me or them in the end, then I will. Why should I wait this time? I've always had bad timing. But right now, it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe I really am starting to lose it. Karma can be a bitch. 

Time to start my day. I don't want to start it off so glum and thought-filled, but these days, I sleep to one thought and wake up in the middle of another. I like to think though, silence in the head can't result in anything good over a long term period. Of course, a little silence in one's head is also favorable from time to time.

Still, off I go, once again wearing nothing but my heart on my sleeves. 

There's a place on ocean avenue...

So today was the beach trip. It started out slow, I mean first I was wondering why we left so late, but once we got on the road, the adventure began. Met Jonamir and we won the alphabet game in the car. I think it was because Hector gave us the Ques in Antiques (well it was technically a word since the 'ti' was missing). We arrived at the beach and yea, set up shop. The rest of our party came and eventually we all conjugated together.

The ocean was so vast. Remember the hill I was talking about in an earlier post? Well that was nothing compared to how I feel about the ocean. I love the ocean actually. Being a water sign, I felt quite at home in the ocean. I didn't like the jellyfishes though, but after they disappeared, I went skipping and jumping into the waves. I mean it was cold and my hands and feet turned numb, but I didn't feel anything. It was quite refreshing actually and I didn't feel anything until I got out of the water for good and went to change. Then suddenly it turned too cold for me and I no longer wanted to go back into the water, it hurt to walk. But the allure of the ocean remains. Then we huddled together for warmth. And I felt so warm. :) The ride however consisted of Hector and me belting songs over and over again. Ronny joined in whenever he wanted to. In 'N Out came into our night and we sat there for an hour doing nothing and it felt good. The entire trip was so good to me. I'm sure other people don't agree, but I had a good time and the memories are going to be preserved. Forever and ever in my heart.

Silencer

Haven't slept at night for a long while. Usually I fall asleep after midnight nowadays and been stealing some rest time in class. I need to stop doing that, it's unhealthy. Today was Junior Exchange banquet and it was memorable. Not because I got a cord, not because I got food, it was memorable because I got to sit on top of the world with my best friend and breathe. We didn't even have to talk or anything, we just sat there listening to her phone play song after song and sang when we knew the lyrics, looked blankly out towards the horizon when we didn't. I stared towards the horizon, basked in the morning sun, and my breath escaped. I've been higher and seen more places, but at this point in my life, it was enough to make me feel moved. The feeling was as wonderful as I could describe. The feeling of not having to think as I stared out into the open space; the feeling that no one needs you at the very moment and you have a few sacred seconds to revel in emptiness.

The horizon looked so close when I stared out. It made me wonder if we live in such a small world after all. Then, I look at all the houses that are between me and the horizon and realize how far away we are. How far away I'll be and the enormity of the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. But I felt nothing at that very moment, still reveling in the welcomed silence of the world and the silence in my head. And then her phone rang and we had to scurry back to the banquet area where everyone clapped like polite machines for people who got certificates and cords. I yearn for that silence again, the chance to give into idleness and not think for awhile.

Painting today took almost forever to do as I had to duplicate the same shade of blue over and over again while I had to make sure that the greens were not the same over and over again. It seems I am not cut out for painting. That I will not accept and if I ever have the chance to paint something else, would gladly take up the offer until I finally get it right. And mark my word, I will get it right one day.

I look forward to the beach trip tomorrow. I want to see everyone having fun. There's been so much this and so much that lately that I feel like a trip away from everything seems appropriate. I await it with bated breath. It seems like a good day to smile and laugh genuinely. I need to remember to remind them to bring my camera. I want to save this memory forever and a day more. I want to remember what happened, and even if it doesn't turn out exactly the way I see it in my head, I won't let anything ruin the day. My mind needs a rest.

The silence tempts me.