My Stars are Dim (Addition)

Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. No matter how you type it, no matter how you say it, I can't simply hear just friend. There is a deeper meaning to the word. I have recently been sad when I hear the word, but now see that I have been silly. I should be honored at the title as friends have such a large role in one's life. People that pick you up when you are down, lost, insecure, hurt, sad, angry, depressed, etc. People that help you shine without envy. Those people that are you able to trust with your utmost secret and hope that they too, like any crush or love you may have, do not break your heart by taking advantage of your lowered guard for their own gain. My friends are people that I can count on, people I can turn to when I feel like the whole world is crashing down, and even if they don't know what they can do, could still stand by me and offer their ears, their mind, their time. For this, I am grateful to no end. As friendship is a very important part of my life.

But.
Sometimes, there are things which I prefer to keep to myself. Old habits die hard. These thoughts of mine that I would rather write out then tell my friends about, are usually things that I find too frivolous to disturb them with. I can't always go to my friends for every single trip, ever fall, I have. This would make me a dependent soul, and I do not want to make a habit out of it. What if, they get annoyed that I am plagued by so many problems? What if, they replace the image of me smiling with this new image of a girl who complains all the time? I do not want that. Still, there are days when a smile can't fix how I feel or hide the pain that I've been holding. These days, I welcome sadness, so that the next day, I could perhaps once more be myself again. But then I would dislike how I handled that day. What's the use in feeling angry, in feeling sad, when there are so many other emotions I could be feeling right now as summer progresses. I could feel love, I could maybe feel loved, I could feel happiness on my cheeks like the warm rays of the sun, I could feel surprised. There are so many days left, so many emotions to go through, so why should I focus on two?

This thing may go nowhere, or it could go everywhere. There's no use feeling sad towards it now when anything can happen at anytime. I just need some patience, some time, and some magical stardust. Then everything will fall into place soon enough and come September, the risks I take may result me in such a sad departure for SB, or a much needed departure for SB. I hope that there is sadness when I leave, as that would be a time for sadness. But then, I too hope that I will smile when I leave as I will not say good bye. Good byes mean forever, and I am certainly not leaving forever. There will always be a time when I shall return to my friends, look in their eyes and see myself smiling, and know that this is where I belong. Just thoughts for a morning such as this, as I often wake up thinking. I do it so often now, I hardly write down the thoughts I have of him anymore, as, it would be the same story, and I do not like repeating myself save occasions when I feel that a repeat would enhance whatever I need enhancing. Still, just because I don't write, doesn't mean that I don't think. I think far more often then I should these days, and therefore, I have decided to immerse myself in books. Today I start with an introduction to psychology. I am expecting to take notes I could save for later.

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So today I went to see The Proposal with my dear friend. It was something that was much needed in my life right now, just to get away and not think about anything but the bare facts that we were walking and that we were enjoying the day. The sun beat down on my shoulders and my head but I felt only the cool comfort of knowing that we were heading to our destination with every step I took. We stopped by Barnes & Nobles in order to kill time and found horoscope books that were pretty accurate. I don't believe in horoscopes one hundred percent of the time, but it was interesting to learn what may come. Hopefully the horoscopes do not come true this time, but we shall see how it fans out. The description of my birthday and the traits that I supposedly have because I was born on that day seem accurate enough. This makes me wonder if humans only have 365 variations of personalities. Probably not so, but still, curious thought. Then we watched the movie and it was rather interesting. I especially liked how Ramon was everywhere. The ending interview was funny too. I liked it, and am rather glad I decided to see the reviews before seeing the movie, as I am not sure it would have been worth my friend's money if we saw Year One. Which leads me to thank him for putting out his own money, and he should know that I will awesomely put out my own money in the near future when he needs assistance too. His presence made me happy, as I am a soul that does not like to be alone despite the fact that I may yell out, hint, or say that I want to be left alone. And not a single thought crossed my mind except, "my gosh, I need to find some way to repay him" and also "what should I get people for their upcoming birthdays?". Well then we walked home and the walk home seemed so much longer than the walk there, as the sun was probably at its highest point around this time and was beating down on our backs even more so. It's nice to just walk and talk sometimes, getting so much closer to that one person. I wish that I could have one on one time with all my friends, but of course, I take what I can get. Wishing too much these days is quite dangerous to me. Now home, I will start reading, as I have not had time to get any psychology notes jotted down today.