Your Call

Cause every breath you take when you are sitting next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes.

I still wonder in the mornings. What are his reasons? I can't really imagine what awesome reason he has for doing that. I mean, I'm sure he has a reason, but I want to know what it is. Bad reasons? Unlikely that they are good reasons. Maybe I am over thinking. Course I want to know. Pryful? No, just curious. Curiosity killed the cat though. Can satisfaction truly bring me back? I doubt I'd be killed by whatever reason it is. I mean, hope can come from the the deepest abyss.

John asked if I was still holding on while we were walking around so he can be rid of his pains in a sparring match against Hector for his pride. Did I ever let go? I am not one to just give up. I really dislike giving up. Then again, why do I feel resignation? I'm still just going with the flow, breaking the currents here and there, but still trudging along. What are the consequences of fighting the flow? What are the future consequences of following the flow? I can't be a dead fish if I break the current once in awhile right? Just to let him know that I still care. That I'm still here. That I still have these feelings for him. Every little gesture I make means something. Every accidental touch I feel. Every smile that creeps on his face melts my heart. It sounds cheesy huh? Laughable. But to me, it's serious. I don't want to lose him again to anyone, to anything. If I must stay in my role as his best friend, for the sake of not losing him, despite the pain and despite my resistance, I will keep my role for as long as I am able to before I can't stand it anymore. What would happen then? I'm not so sure. Staying so close to him is hard. My heart races, a million thoughts collide in my head, the burning warmth of his shoulder against mine, I hold my breath; not daring to breathe, and a thousand other little things that happen in my living room as we were watching the last Harry Potter movie. But no one notices except me.

I made him cookies. Christina and Kelly took me to FoodMaxx and we got the ingredients. The first batch, Kelly and Christina helped measure out the ingredients as I stirred. The first batch was without the 2 tsp cinnamon. It was nice tasting for a first time. The second time, Christina and Kelly watched television while I had to redo all the steps by myself. Measuring this, making sure that doesn't exceed the amount I want, adding more cinnamon. And then I stirred again. Only, I stirred longer for this batch. Then I put them in the oven and checked on them occasionally to make sure that they didn't burn. Luckily they didn't, as if they had, I would have started the process all over again. I was done, and my left hand hurt. He suggested I put it in hot water, which I did, and though it was hot, it also felt nice. It was a nice gesture, and of course, I noted that in my head. When I gave it to him, he gave me a hug. That seems typical right? Well, he doesn't hug me just because; I have to earn them. So after all that mixing, stirring, measuring, it was worth it to see him smile. There, now he can't say that no one has ever made him cookies. He's not making any of his cookies anymore for anyone though.

I woke up and took a shower, then Gerrie came and we went to get fitted for our dresses. The material was nice. Andrew was a hassle, like always. I can't bring him anywhere without yelling at him. I don't want to take him anywhere for that fact. He always runs around crazily like he has no manners at all. He won't listen to me. How am I suppose to deal with him? What is he going to be like when he grows up? The shoes that the girls wanted was not available in my size, save one pair at Oakridge. I have small feet, and it takes forever to find anything worth wearing. Then we went to get Hawaiian BBQ, and retreated to my house. The last day of the marathon was cut short as we did not have two movies to watch and the guys got bored of brawling. Not that it was any less fun, with all the sparring matches, and the brawling, and people being people. Lot's of things have happened. I was dizzy and fatigued. Ate a couple of raisins, a cookie here and there, coconut juice, anything that was sweet. John thought I looked depressed. Maybe I was. I don't know. I was just tired. After most of the people let, Joey, Hector, and Larry were left and we had a talk. That talk led to my current thoughts and wondering. Then I retreated to my room where Hector and I webcammed, as I wanted to learn Tested and True by Secondhand Serenade. Well, after I learn Your Call of course. The song has been on repeat since last night. Yet I do not know every line yet. That is alright, I'll learn. And so, with these thoughts in my head, I start my Thursday.