Waves Crashing on the Shore

Yesterday went to Sunset beach. Woke up early, played punch buggy the whole way there with friends. It's always fun to see them frantically searching. Got there and wows, I was caught back like I always am at the beach. It's always so beautiful, cold or hot. I actually liked the weather there because it wasn't blindingly sunny as it was in San Jose. Volleyball set up, played, got to know people more. The food was good, I liked it! Met more people. Went to go to the ocean, put my feet in, it was cold like that time I went to Carmel, but it was fine. I didn't want to get wet because I didn't want to walk around cold trying to find the showers. Besides, a friend was cold from that and I lent my towel, therefore I would have none if I went in. Still, the ocean was beautiful. There were multiple waves crashing on the shore and the sand on the beach wasn't as debris covered as it was at Carmel. I think I like Sunset Beach a lot better, not that there was anything wrong with Carmel because I like it too, but it was just I really liked the feel of the sand at Sunset. After I got home I still could feel the soft sand under my feet. Well, then we ate some more, and the hole that the EVHS kids dug was filled up with people. It was good bonding time, even if it turned frantic to pull them out after awhile since they were stuck. Helped sculpt a little bit. It was fun. Took pictures, sad that I didn't get to take that many pictures of the day, but then again, I was out there too, enjoying it all. Even when I was too tired to do anything and just sitting there in the sand watching the waves was fun. My friend thinks that I didn't like being alone and felt bad that no one was with me, but I actually felt really nice throughout the whole day. Sitting down watching the magnificent waves and enjoying the feel of the sand, I don't always have to be moving to have fun. Well anyways after that, played a bit of guitar, I still suck. Ate for the last time, and then off we went towards home. I was stark tired at this time so I slept, embarrassingly with my mouth agape as we rolled on home. It wasn't the best nap since I kept waking up to adjust myself (being the one in the middle sitting on the two seat belts) but it was still needed. Went to friend's house afterward and watched people play Street fighter before going home myself. Found that I was sun burnt badly after getting out of the shower and wondering why everywhere hurts. Ha! That's what I get for only having SPF 30 at home. Well, I don't worry too much about it since today it doesn't seem as bad as it was yesterday. Maybe I won't start peeling at all!

Standing Outside the Circle

So I had a talk yesterday, because I was curious. I seem a bit invasive. Intrusive. Interfering. Still, I guess with coaxing and encouragement, I found that I really wanted to ask anyways. Of course, nothing was answered, but then again, something was answered. If that makes any sense at all. Today, I go off to the beach, off to a smashing time with my favorite part of the world. How I long for the sweet smell of the ocean and the texture of warm sand between my toes, eager to bury themselves in the tiny specks. How I want the wind to tease at my hair and kiss my face with its coolness while the sun shines proudly over the scene. It seems that I too need some escape time. I wonder if I will revert back inwards today or will I be brave enough to be social. I'll probably be brave enough after I warm up. Maybe someone who shares my love of the ocean will come forth and we can revel at the splendor that is around us, become good friends due to this bond, and continue to talk long after we leave the beach behind. Well, I feel very hopeful today. Yet again, that word, hope. I'm going to go through all my blogs and outline it in red or something. That way I can count how many times it comes up in my thoughts.

---

Well, done going through my blogs and there have been a big difference in the number of times I've used hope. Less so before a certain date, and more so after it. Seems just right, justifies that something has made me incredibly hopeful. It seems weird going through my old blogs as well, I mean, it seems as though everything happened so long ago, but then I look back and notice that it has only been a few weeks. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. Curious. Maybe I am moving too fast for my own good. Time to slow down, take it easy, and enjoy the day. Because that is what I should do.

Skating on Thin Ice

He smiles. Because I smile first to show him that I like walking next to him.
He stares off into the distance as I try and catch his eyes.
It feels strange to spend most of my day with him yet still be at a distance: a meter stick away.
My day started when my good friend picked us up and off to the park we went. There, we met up with another good friend and went around the historical museum until he had to go home. We were left alone. So I decided to go to the ice rink. We went, and I laughed because he has that effect on me. And we reached the place and sat down, watching the skaters. Soon Annie came and her brother. We went back to Kelley Park as the rink didn't open until 1 and I would be long gone by then. He kept at a distance, and I figured he didn't want to be next to me. Of course, I couldn't stand being so far away. Still, he ran off, and I gave chase. Caught, watched as he walked away, went my own path to sit in the shade with Annie, he came back soon enough. Went to Cotillion practice. Went waltzing with partner, shook my hips as I rested my hands on my head with Jennifer as my partner, attracted Carla in the process, and laughed because I wanted to have fun. Walked afterwards to Stonegate. It was a rather silent walk as my shoes were starting to pinch me and my mother's unfair rule that I should always wear high heels in her presence. Saw roadkill, jumped, startled, right into his arms. Let go just as quick for fear that he may recoil back from my touch and reprimand my boldness with a look. Walked more, split ways soon enough. He looked at me, and I didn't want to hug him because I was sweaty and because I'm sure he would not have wanted to anyways. Spend most of my day with him, and still no where close. Then went to Navreesha's party, ate, sat, talked, looked away. It's only been two weeks since graduation? So much have happened in these three weeks actually. So much have happened and it makes me wonder, by the time I reach the end of my stay here, what would happen by then? I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for tomorrow as well. What would happen tomorrow? Nothing of course. But then again, I still want answers to my questions. I still am waiting, for him, to look me in the eyes, and tell me that there's no hope at all, or that, maybe, just maybe, there could be something there. Until then, I'll keep my heart on my sleeve, easily broken, twice as easily shattered. I'm afraid, but...I'm not afraid to love. I'm not afraid to risk hurting because I feel as though, this could be something.

Singing My Lovely Songs.

I woke up to happy thoughts and I was ready to start the day with my mother. We went to the flea market and I tried my best to stay out of her way as she went grocery shopping with her friend. It was rather boring, so I listened to my music and of course, she could find fault in that as well. As I was following her friend, she called out, and for once, not loudly. I didn't hear. She therefore took it as though I was ignoring her and went off on her own, tugging the full cart of groceries with her. I ran up to help her, but of course, my mother is stubborn and tugged it away from me, saying she could pull it herself. Lately she's been on my case. I mean, I really wonder when I'm going to be able to visit her, sit down and have a pleasant conversation where we don't end up at each other's throats. I wonder when I'll be good enough for her. She makes me believe that I'll never be good enough. For anything, for anyone. I'll always be too slow, too quiet, too nice, too trusting, too everything. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't be assertive. But, I'm doing the best I could. Once day, I hope, she'll look at me and be proud. Sure, I'm not good enough now, but maybe one day in the future, she'll see that I turned out alright. Her insults drive me to do better though they hurt. But what can I do but sit there and keep my mouth shut. One wrong word can spark a feud. One small gesture can make the lecturing and yelling drag on into the night where I certainly, with shaking fingers and held back tears, would not find solace in sleep as I would be filled with rage and sadness. But she's still my mother. After we were done with the flea market, she made me a smoothie to show that she cared. I took it as a sign of truce. Then we went to eat and when we got home at one, I fell into a spell and didn't wake until six something. I feel rather pleasant now, as I had a rather good dream. Not really a unique dream as I just replayed my past. Only it was different in a bit, in a way I can't really put my finger on. I guess that now, as I have kept my promise and not touched ice cream in three days, I can finally reward myself and eat some mochi.

Ice cream, I love thee so
Even more in summer, as you are cold.
Twice when I am sad over something, someone
You always put my depression on the run.
I'm sure one day I'll get diabetes.
But these days, you mean a lot to me~

(I don't really want to get diabetes in the future. But I thought a poem for ice cream sounds good right now.)