Weird Dreams...

So I dreamt that I was back at the Devonshire house in L.A. (but we were still in San Jose) and I was living with my father. We unpacked and everything was fine. Then out of nowhere I get a phone call from him. He sounded really angry and he said that he was going to kill me. I didn't take it seriously at first but then I saw him in the laundry room with a rifle. Then I got scared so I ran outside to run out the gate and he was shooting at me. I got out the gate and then started running down the street. Luckily David somehow miraculously showed up and parked his car on the sidewalk. I got in and saw that there were John and Howard. My dad was still shooting so David drove off. I was calling people at this point to see if I could stay at their house. We went to Jennifer's house and I knocked on her door but she wasn't home. We went to a desolated area and sat down. I started to cry because the shock of the whole thing suddenly got to me. We were running out of gas and I was paranoid that my father was chasing me. I called Jennifer again and she picked up this time. We went to her house and she gladly accepted us. We started to prepare for dinner by setting out white place mats and orange juice. After that, I woke up.

Now you might be wondering why I'm blogging here and not on my tumblr. Well, I decide to blog about deeper issues and stuff here and more lighter, shallow stuff on my tumblr. This dream really affected me as I woke up at 6 in the morning and tears were streaming down my face. Now I want to find out what it means.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. you may feel victimized in some situation.

To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. If you are running from an attacker or danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

To see friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself.

To dream that you are a guest at a dinner party signifies enjoyable pleasures with close friends.

To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations.

Wows. This is very accurate as yesterday night I was feeling very pissed off at my brother and my mother was defending him. Then I was on the verge of cracking but then I did not crack. I guess dreaming about this was my subconscious trying to let out my negative energy.

Once Again

Well I was a bit shaken yesterday, so many things happened and I guess that combined with unseen forces, caused me to be quite emotional. Sorry to those of you who had to put up with my mood yesterday, usually I am not that pessimistic. Today, once again, I am piecing back myself together. That said, once again, I am at my optimal hoping point. Once again setting myself up for the fall. I say, once again, bring it, because no matter how much I feel like I'm losing air, losing time, losing my way, there's always someone there for me, waiting to give me oxygen, give me a bit of their time, give me directions to the main road. Though I don't always listen to what they're saying as I don't want to give this thing up, I appreciate everything that anyone has ever done for me, be it listen to me talk about my day, or tell me that tomorrow is even brighter. Once again, I thank you all, for making sure I don't break to pieces.

Broken

I'm done.

---

"Someone" (11:50:24 PM): listen to ur head yes cuz ur heart is in chaos right now. its a big flood and all the little heart ppl are like help help

11:11

The time is 11:11. Before Cotillion practice. I am wondering if I should make a wish. I wish but it turned to 11:12. Does this mean my wish is invalid? If you wish for something, do you have to do it in 60 seconds or else it doesn't work? I've been wondering that for awhile. Well I guess if you want to wish, you should already have something in mind. I don't know what to wish for anymore. If I constantly keep wishing for different things every time it turns 11:11, does that mean that none of them come true? Should I just concentrate on one wish so whatever celestial being or strange magical mechanism that grants these wishes will be able to get to me sooner? Is there even a waiting list? Who knows. Just thoughts.

The Joy of Hitting a Ball

Back and forth. Back and forth. I want to escape these feelings. Back and forth, back and forth, again and again. It seems as though I can continue to run as long as I point my feet in the right direction, it seems as though I can continue to laugh as long as they play with me, it seems as though I can continue to stay this way, unthinking, for a little while, as long as I can continue to play.

Back and forth again. Back and forth. It pulls me back and forth, from the left corner of the court back to the right, back to the left again. Up to the net, down to baseline, back up to net only to find that the ball has stopped in motion, now on the ground. My emotions tug at me the same way: back and forth, doubt and certainty, happiness and sadness, melancholy, bittersweet, hurt. Can't think like that in this game. Must set up ball, position your opponent, put away the point. Love is different. Can't push anyone where they want them to go. But you have to think about your next move still. How are you going to make that person see you? What would happen if you said this at this moment? Now isn't the time to make this move.

Back and forth. Always back and forth. The rhythm echoes like the rhythm of my heartbeat. Must stay on rhythm in order to hit the ball correctly. My heartbeat is off rhythm whenever he's around. I hold my breath so I don't have to hear it pounding inside my chest.

Looking away is easy until I catch a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. Then it becomes too hard to look back away.

Zoology

o7.o3.o9: obtained.

I went to the zoo today with my brother, mother and her friend (who brought along her son, daughters, and her friend's daughter). It was nice to be able to get out and just run loose in the zoo, snapping pictures of animals, watching them, awe filled in wonderment. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself though, let's go back to when I fell asleep and then woke up - It was a nice dream. Another wishful one that I only wish was real. Of course, I realized I was dreaming as it seemed too perfect too be true, and it was. Still, it was a nice dream. It transitioned and then I was...living in a crooked two story (or more, I couldn't tell) tower with my cousins. I had this weird car thingy, like it was a cross from a motorcycle and one of those go cart things, and we went to get ingredients to make something. It was like...magical sorta. It took us forever to get out of the house, and then we took the thing down several flights of stairs and I remember being afraid that it was going to hurt my pelvis or something. The supermarket there had a lot of interesting things...very magical things. Some that could explode if not treated with cautious. That was a nice dream too, but of course, not as nice as my other one. Alright, so I woke, kinda feeling down, but I got ready and we headed out. Then after I saw the animals...I just forgot. It was nice to just forget everything, even for an hour or two. At the end, I finished what I wanted to do and we went back in the car, next stop: Stonestown Galleria. This side trip before we went home made me...melancholy. As everywhere I turned, I kept seeing couples! Everywhere. What is this? National Bring-Your-Boyfriend-Slash-Girlfriend-To-The-Mall Day? Well, luckily I got some ice cream from this one store and it drove away my discomfort. Ice cream is my hero. After getting knocked out in the car, we arrived home, and now...I think, I shall lock myself away from communications for another day.

Building the Foundation...

I feel at a lost for words. Has it always been this way? Why should I start every sentence with hope and end it with discouragement? Why should the silence scream at me the truth that I should have already known? So why should I be sad again at these thoughts? I know it already, I chose my path, I should know already. Ugh, I hate these conflicting moments that tear at the very foundation of the thing that I wanted to build on. Is it wrong...? To want to tear down a house and build something else on that very land? What if it was a unique house? Where if I don't like what I build, then there's no going back exactly. The kitchen won't have the same number of tiles, the roof the same number of shingles. But then, what if I liked what I built? Should I risk the house for a new one? A bigger one? Or should I just be content that I have a house to begin with? Then again, I think...I've already destroyed it. That day, when my emotions ran high and I couldn't take it anymore, I sold all the furniture of the house, and now all that's left is the empty shell of what once was, or what I thought was once was. Maybe I thought this house was a home when it was just a house.

I don't know. I'm confused. One moment I can feel at my best, the next, plunged into this sadness that shrouds me in doubt. There's no doubt that I'm going to continue on this path, putting one step ahead of another, but sometimes I want to just stand here, in the middle of nowhere, because I'm scared of knowing what awaits me at the end of the road. What if I walk a thousand miles just to be told to turn around? But then...I start walking again because I still have hope that there could be something else waiting for me there. Still a fool. But I walk on, because no matter how lost the situation seems, I can't assume unless he says it right to my face. Until then, there's that glimmer of hope, and that pulls me through abysmal times and keeps my head high as I continue to walk this path.

Can I even take it if he says it to my face? How would that bode with me? I'm sure that no matter how strong I convince myself, I'll probably be torn to pieces on the inside. Still, that alone would give me reason to point my toes in another direction, sorta. It takes awhile. Well I might still have a little glimmer of hope since the future isn't set in stone, but still, at least I would know that my efforts are sorta futile and maybe there would be someone out there for me that could make me feel something like I'm feeling now. I don't want someone else right now though. Sure, maybe there's more compatible people, someone that makes me laugh more, etc. But then, I'm very set in stone about my feelings. It lasts...a long time. I know I'm young, and I might be foolish and rash and rushing, but I'm not one to take things lightly. The weight of the three words that I dropped on my poor house, could it really take the toll? I can't repair it exactly right, and it's still pretty unstable, unfurnished, uninhabited. I want to build a new house. And whatever house I get in the process, I'm going to put my assets in making it a home.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. No more worrying about nothing, because I'm going to laugh at this stupid post five months from now.

Snow in July

Here I'm still standing, watching the waves crash on the shores, only, in this world, my ocean is inside: my heart, the strange force that pushes blood out and pulls it back in with every beat, sometimes regular beats, most of the time irregular. I haven't been outside in three days, trying, hard, to distract myself. It seems that I no longer wake up with the same thoughts in my head, as I've been sleeping later instead of waking up earlier. 5 a.m., 3 a.m., 1 a.m., the nights pass by so fast these days. Trapped in the spell of the night, trapped in thoughts that used to wake me up. I thought I stopped feeling so down, as there are plenty of things to occupy my mind right now: taking notes, finding what I want to be for the rest of my life, role-playing, taking care of Andrew, etc. Of course, I haven't though.

& So I wonder, why am I consistently getting myself hurt? Why can't I just stay away and hope that these feelings will eventually subside enough for me to get on with my life? I'm going away soon anyways, if anything happens, then it would be that much harder to leave. But then again, why can't I be rational like that? Of course I don't want to hurt anyone either, or have someone tormented on my behalf, but I feel selfish, as though, no matter how bad timing I have now, I'm not letting this go for anything. This one sided love is very important to me.

And so, I wait still, a stupid idiot looking up and hoping that snow will fall in July.

---

I'd like to think that I'm not a terrible person. Really, I guess I have some qualities that are admirable. But I can't help but think about my vices every now and then. My unyielding stubbornness, my short-sightedness when I latch myself onto something, my selfishness when I want something. That's not it though. There's worse, but those are the things that relate so far. I guess. Well I should probably list my good things now right? Some people said I was strong, how on Earth, I don't know, but I guess so, I guess I'm kind enough, I can listen too. There, three for three. No more, no less.

Waves Crashing on the Shore

Yesterday went to Sunset beach. Woke up early, played punch buggy the whole way there with friends. It's always fun to see them frantically searching. Got there and wows, I was caught back like I always am at the beach. It's always so beautiful, cold or hot. I actually liked the weather there because it wasn't blindingly sunny as it was in San Jose. Volleyball set up, played, got to know people more. The food was good, I liked it! Met more people. Went to go to the ocean, put my feet in, it was cold like that time I went to Carmel, but it was fine. I didn't want to get wet because I didn't want to walk around cold trying to find the showers. Besides, a friend was cold from that and I lent my towel, therefore I would have none if I went in. Still, the ocean was beautiful. There were multiple waves crashing on the shore and the sand on the beach wasn't as debris covered as it was at Carmel. I think I like Sunset Beach a lot better, not that there was anything wrong with Carmel because I like it too, but it was just I really liked the feel of the sand at Sunset. After I got home I still could feel the soft sand under my feet. Well, then we ate some more, and the hole that the EVHS kids dug was filled up with people. It was good bonding time, even if it turned frantic to pull them out after awhile since they were stuck. Helped sculpt a little bit. It was fun. Took pictures, sad that I didn't get to take that many pictures of the day, but then again, I was out there too, enjoying it all. Even when I was too tired to do anything and just sitting there in the sand watching the waves was fun. My friend thinks that I didn't like being alone and felt bad that no one was with me, but I actually felt really nice throughout the whole day. Sitting down watching the magnificent waves and enjoying the feel of the sand, I don't always have to be moving to have fun. Well anyways after that, played a bit of guitar, I still suck. Ate for the last time, and then off we went towards home. I was stark tired at this time so I slept, embarrassingly with my mouth agape as we rolled on home. It wasn't the best nap since I kept waking up to adjust myself (being the one in the middle sitting on the two seat belts) but it was still needed. Went to friend's house afterward and watched people play Street fighter before going home myself. Found that I was sun burnt badly after getting out of the shower and wondering why everywhere hurts. Ha! That's what I get for only having SPF 30 at home. Well, I don't worry too much about it since today it doesn't seem as bad as it was yesterday. Maybe I won't start peeling at all!

Standing Outside the Circle

So I had a talk yesterday, because I was curious. I seem a bit invasive. Intrusive. Interfering. Still, I guess with coaxing and encouragement, I found that I really wanted to ask anyways. Of course, nothing was answered, but then again, something was answered. If that makes any sense at all. Today, I go off to the beach, off to a smashing time with my favorite part of the world. How I long for the sweet smell of the ocean and the texture of warm sand between my toes, eager to bury themselves in the tiny specks. How I want the wind to tease at my hair and kiss my face with its coolness while the sun shines proudly over the scene. It seems that I too need some escape time. I wonder if I will revert back inwards today or will I be brave enough to be social. I'll probably be brave enough after I warm up. Maybe someone who shares my love of the ocean will come forth and we can revel at the splendor that is around us, become good friends due to this bond, and continue to talk long after we leave the beach behind. Well, I feel very hopeful today. Yet again, that word, hope. I'm going to go through all my blogs and outline it in red or something. That way I can count how many times it comes up in my thoughts.

---

Well, done going through my blogs and there have been a big difference in the number of times I've used hope. Less so before a certain date, and more so after it. Seems just right, justifies that something has made me incredibly hopeful. It seems weird going through my old blogs as well, I mean, it seems as though everything happened so long ago, but then I look back and notice that it has only been a few weeks. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. Curious. Maybe I am moving too fast for my own good. Time to slow down, take it easy, and enjoy the day. Because that is what I should do.

Skating on Thin Ice

He smiles. Because I smile first to show him that I like walking next to him.
He stares off into the distance as I try and catch his eyes.
It feels strange to spend most of my day with him yet still be at a distance: a meter stick away.
My day started when my good friend picked us up and off to the park we went. There, we met up with another good friend and went around the historical museum until he had to go home. We were left alone. So I decided to go to the ice rink. We went, and I laughed because he has that effect on me. And we reached the place and sat down, watching the skaters. Soon Annie came and her brother. We went back to Kelley Park as the rink didn't open until 1 and I would be long gone by then. He kept at a distance, and I figured he didn't want to be next to me. Of course, I couldn't stand being so far away. Still, he ran off, and I gave chase. Caught, watched as he walked away, went my own path to sit in the shade with Annie, he came back soon enough. Went to Cotillion practice. Went waltzing with partner, shook my hips as I rested my hands on my head with Jennifer as my partner, attracted Carla in the process, and laughed because I wanted to have fun. Walked afterwards to Stonegate. It was a rather silent walk as my shoes were starting to pinch me and my mother's unfair rule that I should always wear high heels in her presence. Saw roadkill, jumped, startled, right into his arms. Let go just as quick for fear that he may recoil back from my touch and reprimand my boldness with a look. Walked more, split ways soon enough. He looked at me, and I didn't want to hug him because I was sweaty and because I'm sure he would not have wanted to anyways. Spend most of my day with him, and still no where close. Then went to Navreesha's party, ate, sat, talked, looked away. It's only been two weeks since graduation? So much have happened in these three weeks actually. So much have happened and it makes me wonder, by the time I reach the end of my stay here, what would happen by then? I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for tomorrow as well. What would happen tomorrow? Nothing of course. But then again, I still want answers to my questions. I still am waiting, for him, to look me in the eyes, and tell me that there's no hope at all, or that, maybe, just maybe, there could be something there. Until then, I'll keep my heart on my sleeve, easily broken, twice as easily shattered. I'm afraid, but...I'm not afraid to love. I'm not afraid to risk hurting because I feel as though, this could be something.

Singing My Lovely Songs.

I woke up to happy thoughts and I was ready to start the day with my mother. We went to the flea market and I tried my best to stay out of her way as she went grocery shopping with her friend. It was rather boring, so I listened to my music and of course, she could find fault in that as well. As I was following her friend, she called out, and for once, not loudly. I didn't hear. She therefore took it as though I was ignoring her and went off on her own, tugging the full cart of groceries with her. I ran up to help her, but of course, my mother is stubborn and tugged it away from me, saying she could pull it herself. Lately she's been on my case. I mean, I really wonder when I'm going to be able to visit her, sit down and have a pleasant conversation where we don't end up at each other's throats. I wonder when I'll be good enough for her. She makes me believe that I'll never be good enough. For anything, for anyone. I'll always be too slow, too quiet, too nice, too trusting, too everything. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't be assertive. But, I'm doing the best I could. Once day, I hope, she'll look at me and be proud. Sure, I'm not good enough now, but maybe one day in the future, she'll see that I turned out alright. Her insults drive me to do better though they hurt. But what can I do but sit there and keep my mouth shut. One wrong word can spark a feud. One small gesture can make the lecturing and yelling drag on into the night where I certainly, with shaking fingers and held back tears, would not find solace in sleep as I would be filled with rage and sadness. But she's still my mother. After we were done with the flea market, she made me a smoothie to show that she cared. I took it as a sign of truce. Then we went to eat and when we got home at one, I fell into a spell and didn't wake until six something. I feel rather pleasant now, as I had a rather good dream. Not really a unique dream as I just replayed my past. Only it was different in a bit, in a way I can't really put my finger on. I guess that now, as I have kept my promise and not touched ice cream in three days, I can finally reward myself and eat some mochi.

Ice cream, I love thee so
Even more in summer, as you are cold.
Twice when I am sad over something, someone
You always put my depression on the run.
I'm sure one day I'll get diabetes.
But these days, you mean a lot to me~

(I don't really want to get diabetes in the future. But I thought a poem for ice cream sounds good right now.)

Getting On My Tippy Toes

It makes me sad sometimes. To think about it. Is it really so hard? I want an answer, any answer would be better than be trapped here as a thirsty stranded person chasing after a mirage of an oasis. Tell me to my face, look in my eyes, that there is no hope at all. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Then I can really get on the path to self-healing. As of now, I have not gotten a yes or a no. Still stuck in that tunnel, looking for the light, not knowing if I'm going backwards, upside down, or forward. I hope. I wished, but I've stopped wishing. Now is not the time to clasp my hands together and wish for a tomorrow with you. If I was still wishing, I would be wishing to know right now.

Do you feel anything? Anything at all? Do you even care? I'm hurt and I want to know. If nothing had ever happened, maybe I wouldn't be in such a dejected state of mind. Maybe I wouldn't have to hope because the fire hadn't been lit yet. You say, I can tell you anything, but I can't tell you everything. What are the consequences of telling you my feelings now? Would you look away? You tell me that you would answer me another day, another time, another place but this one. I can wait, of course I can, but with every day that passes, there's just stored up emotions from the day before.

I type, I delete, I change the topic. Every single time.

4 in the Morning

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in, it's all over me.

Well, I didn't get some rest until four in the morning when I felt the pang of sleep take me at last. I was up talking to friends, and thinking thoughts that I only think at night. Well, let's see:

1. North Korea is planning to attack us? Oh god. Great. I hope it's nothing, but still, I'm not really sure how to take it. War has never been close to home before. I don't think I would survive it. The very notion of hiding from nuclear weapons would make me dream about the worst case scenario. They should just stand down and take those peace talks. In this turbid times, a war on our nation is going to take its toll.
   
2. I wonder what was the matter with him last night. I shouldn't be one to pry into his business, as he would tell me if he wanted to. Therefore, I do not pry. I did think about it though.
3. Financial aid is still not posted for me yet. This concerns me.

Three thoughts that should mean nothing to me. Still, I think my carefree days are long gone. I'm not a kid anymore, why should I fear war. Maybe I worry too much over him to suffocate. I should stop. Last, my financial aid will come, sooner or later, or else I will have to choose a different school. That's really the only thing I have to worry about right now. The only think I should worry about right now.

Lately I've been trying to be distant. As in, I don't talk much to him, I don't start conversations, I do my own thing. Why? I don't really know. I guess I don't want to fall deeper. If I don't talk to him much, if I don't pay attention to every detail, then I won't have to think all the time. Still, it's hard to stay at a certain distance because my heart doesn't want to. My head wants me to, but of course, when my head and heart struggle, my heart always win. I guess, staying away is not an option.

My Stars are Dim (Addition)

Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend. No matter how you type it, no matter how you say it, I can't simply hear just friend. There is a deeper meaning to the word. I have recently been sad when I hear the word, but now see that I have been silly. I should be honored at the title as friends have such a large role in one's life. People that pick you up when you are down, lost, insecure, hurt, sad, angry, depressed, etc. People that help you shine without envy. Those people that are you able to trust with your utmost secret and hope that they too, like any crush or love you may have, do not break your heart by taking advantage of your lowered guard for their own gain. My friends are people that I can count on, people I can turn to when I feel like the whole world is crashing down, and even if they don't know what they can do, could still stand by me and offer their ears, their mind, their time. For this, I am grateful to no end. As friendship is a very important part of my life.

But.
Sometimes, there are things which I prefer to keep to myself. Old habits die hard. These thoughts of mine that I would rather write out then tell my friends about, are usually things that I find too frivolous to disturb them with. I can't always go to my friends for every single trip, ever fall, I have. This would make me a dependent soul, and I do not want to make a habit out of it. What if, they get annoyed that I am plagued by so many problems? What if, they replace the image of me smiling with this new image of a girl who complains all the time? I do not want that. Still, there are days when a smile can't fix how I feel or hide the pain that I've been holding. These days, I welcome sadness, so that the next day, I could perhaps once more be myself again. But then I would dislike how I handled that day. What's the use in feeling angry, in feeling sad, when there are so many other emotions I could be feeling right now as summer progresses. I could feel love, I could maybe feel loved, I could feel happiness on my cheeks like the warm rays of the sun, I could feel surprised. There are so many days left, so many emotions to go through, so why should I focus on two?

This thing may go nowhere, or it could go everywhere. There's no use feeling sad towards it now when anything can happen at anytime. I just need some patience, some time, and some magical stardust. Then everything will fall into place soon enough and come September, the risks I take may result me in such a sad departure for SB, or a much needed departure for SB. I hope that there is sadness when I leave, as that would be a time for sadness. But then, I too hope that I will smile when I leave as I will not say good bye. Good byes mean forever, and I am certainly not leaving forever. There will always be a time when I shall return to my friends, look in their eyes and see myself smiling, and know that this is where I belong. Just thoughts for a morning such as this, as I often wake up thinking. I do it so often now, I hardly write down the thoughts I have of him anymore, as, it would be the same story, and I do not like repeating myself save occasions when I feel that a repeat would enhance whatever I need enhancing. Still, just because I don't write, doesn't mean that I don't think. I think far more often then I should these days, and therefore, I have decided to immerse myself in books. Today I start with an introduction to psychology. I am expecting to take notes I could save for later.

---

So today I went to see The Proposal with my dear friend. It was something that was much needed in my life right now, just to get away and not think about anything but the bare facts that we were walking and that we were enjoying the day. The sun beat down on my shoulders and my head but I felt only the cool comfort of knowing that we were heading to our destination with every step I took. We stopped by Barnes & Nobles in order to kill time and found horoscope books that were pretty accurate. I don't believe in horoscopes one hundred percent of the time, but it was interesting to learn what may come. Hopefully the horoscopes do not come true this time, but we shall see how it fans out. The description of my birthday and the traits that I supposedly have because I was born on that day seem accurate enough. This makes me wonder if humans only have 365 variations of personalities. Probably not so, but still, curious thought. Then we watched the movie and it was rather interesting. I especially liked how Ramon was everywhere. The ending interview was funny too. I liked it, and am rather glad I decided to see the reviews before seeing the movie, as I am not sure it would have been worth my friend's money if we saw Year One. Which leads me to thank him for putting out his own money, and he should know that I will awesomely put out my own money in the near future when he needs assistance too. His presence made me happy, as I am a soul that does not like to be alone despite the fact that I may yell out, hint, or say that I want to be left alone. And not a single thought crossed my mind except, "my gosh, I need to find some way to repay him" and also "what should I get people for their upcoming birthdays?". Well then we walked home and the walk home seemed so much longer than the walk there, as the sun was probably at its highest point around this time and was beating down on our backs even more so. It's nice to just walk and talk sometimes, getting so much closer to that one person. I wish that I could have one on one time with all my friends, but of course, I take what I can get. Wishing too much these days is quite dangerous to me. Now home, I will start reading, as I have not had time to get any psychology notes jotted down today.

Just a Thought

I should put those glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. That way I have something to look at when I'm staring up at the ceiling at night.

Why can't I just go to sleep for once, with no thought in my head to make it even more difficult to just shut down my system and enjoy the dark embrace of the night? Why can't I just wake up because I finally got my full eight or nine hours of sleep instead of transitioning from dream mode to thought mode and finally getting waken up with the very thought that I had fallen asleep to? Today I woke up and was terribly sad. The weather outside my window is sunny, which contrasts my current state of mind.

Why am I sad? There's nothing to be sad about today. Today is a new day; another chance, another spark of hope that could bring me that much closer, yet I am sad today. I still wonder...

I Want To - Single

I Want To
There's so many words I can never say
And so many things I can never do.
But no matter what life throws at me
I know I'll always find my way
Back to you.

I want to be your last thought
I want to feel you in my arms
I want to hold your hand when we walk
Side by side.
You and I
Singing this love song.

You may never know what you mean to me.
The guiding star in my sky
You're the air I breathe.
I can always count on you being near
You help me open my eyes
Now I see

I want to be your last thought
I want to feel you in my arms
I want to hold your hand when we walk
Side by side.
You and I
Singing this love song.

And these days without you seem so lonely
I can't figure out where I'm going
But I know that somewhere down the road
You'll be there.
And I want to

I want to be your last thought
I want to feel you in my arms
I want to hold your hand when we walk
Side by side.
You and I
Singing this love song.

I was inspired to write that song after my friend sent me Here's The Plan - Allison Weiss when I was standing outside waiting to be picked up to go to cotillion practice. Whatever I remembered while standing there, I wrote down and voila, a song is made. Seeing how I do not have an awesome singing voice, I requested the aid of my friend Jennifer to help me give the song justice. The melody is mine, but she has the guitar so of course she played it. I think it turned out beautifully; the lyrics are from my heart, she gives the song life. I think I should collaborate with Jennifer more.

Bejeweled Blitz

I was playing Bejeweled Blitz when I suddenly realized that it shared some aspects that are similar to life. Such as:

• Sometimes, even when you have a perfect board, one wrong move can change all that.
• Taking a chance and randomly clicking may result in a chain combo that raises your score.
• Storing up all your arsenal until the end, only to have the time deplete to zero before you can use them is wasteful.
• Using all your arsenal at once is also not recommended.
  
• The most obvious move is not always the way you want to go.
• There will be regrets when you have a choice on where to move your piece and wonder what your score would be like if you moved it the other way.
• The unexpected happen: even if you think you're not going to beat your score, play until the end, who knows, you might cause a chain combo at the very last minute.
• One combo may result in an explosion of the whole board.
• Even if think you have no more moves left, there is always a move somewhere out there.
• Sometimes you have bad days where you can't get a decent score, and there are other days when your score is just way up there.
  

Well, if I find some more aspects that relate while I play, I shall revise this post.

Maybe I Could Wake Up Beside You

I really like this song, thanks for sending it to me! It has pancakes in it too! What more could you want in a song?

Dreams Only Last For a Night

Yet again, another dream that I would prefer not to have. I woke up in the middle of the night after having it and just stared up at the ceiling. Wondering if it could happen. I doubt it, but still, it made me not want to go back to sleep for fear that I may have the dream again. There's nothing like seeing it in instant replay. Well, after calming down, I fell back asleep and woke up at ten something when I stopped dreaming and started into think mode. It made me smile and encouraged me to get up out of my bed and start the day. Everything aches today. No pain no gain right? I'm sure that this would make me stronger than I was yesterday.

Yesterday before I fell asleep, I was thinking about something. But now I forgot about it. Maybe I should have just recorded it down before I fell asleep. Whatever it was, I'm sure it would come back into my thoughts if it was important enough. Oh! I remember.

I am inside a circle. There is an invisible line between the outside world and me. Sometimes, I widen my circle to allow someone in. Sometimes, I pull it towards me because I do not want to get hurt. It is an elastic circle. It never breaks. These days, it is very wide, but I am afraid still. Afraid to get hurt if I extend it too wide, as like a rubber band, it will snap back at me in whiplash. I have already gotten hurt, by someone that I once knew, but I healed from that quite quickly. Still, it has made me cautious and thoughtful. My circle now does not look like a circle anymore, holding some people tighter towards me then others, some more loosely away. Maybe, it will get to that convergence point where everyone inside will be the closest they can be towards me, a perfect circle.

Now that I think back on it. It seems a little loopy for me to think that way. It did sound complex in my head, but now it's so simple, as though I'm still a kid.